Understanding Job Adverts

For those that are looking for work or soon to be, here's a handy guide to understanding those job adverts

What they say: Competitive Salary

What they mean: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

What they say: Join our fast-paced team

What they mean: We have no time to train you.

What they say: VP entry level

What they mean: Even the Post Boy is a VP, it looks better on business cards.

What they say: 3 years experience essential

What they mean: Let someone else train you.

What they say: Must be Self-Motivated.

What they mean: Management doesn’t show up till 11.00 AM, if at all.

What they say: Casual work atmosphere

What they mean: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

What they say: Must be deadline oriented

What they mean: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

What they say: Some overtime required

What they mean: Some overtime required every night and some overtime required every weekend.

What they say: Duties will vary

What they mean: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

What they say: Career-minded

What they mean: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

What they say: No phone calls please.

What they mean: We've filled the job internally; our call for CV's is just a legal formality.

What they say: Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience

What they mean: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

What they say: Requires team leadership skills

What they mean: You'll have all the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

What they say: Must have good communication skills

What they mean: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it

What they say: Only successful applicants will be contacted.

What they mean: There never was a job; we just wanted to see who was out there and if they were better than our current mouth-breathers

What they say: Closing Date 31st XXXXX

What they mean: The job has already gone to a friend, nephew, niece, cousin or a bloke from the pub but HR says we have to advertise

What they say: Good presentation skills required.

What they mean: Total public humiliation will be a regular feature as will be made to stand at front of room with no warning and made to talk on subject you know nothing about for 10 minutes.

What they say: Ability to multitask

What they mean: Must be able to juggle photocopying, making tea and licking boss’s boots. Oh and smile whilst you are doing it!

.