Tusker Tomfoolery

.
Further to my previous post on the rise of animal attacks comes this story from the African veldt

Elephant Attack Man Played Dead

"A man from West Yorkshire was gored by an elephant while holidaying in Kenya"

Nasty

"They saw the animal which then disappeared into bushes.

"This noise started behind the bush and it just came running out, just charging out at me basically", Mr Sykes said.

The group fled but the elephant followed Mr Sykes.

It had probably gone for a shit, I'd be pissed off as well if I'd just retired for some 'me time' with the QI Book of Interesting Facts and a bunch of people burst in and tried to take pictures.

"It was really strange, lots of decisions were being made in my head really quickly", he said.

I bet they were, along the lines of "Do I piss or shit myself first? or both together?"

"I decided to run off to the side and start zig zagging because with the elephant being larger it can't turn as quick as a human."

Unfortunately for him a completely bollocks decision though, he needs to watch a few more National Geographic specials. Elephants are quick when they want to be, surprisingly nimble and can turn on a sixpence when required, so in fact it just slowed him down and allowed the elephant to catch him.

Pedants Bit:

"During the attack the elephant pierced Mr Sykes's leg, causing him to lose five pints of blood"

Given that the generally accepted average for volume of blood in an adult human is 10 pints and losing between 4 and 5 pints causes death if not immediately replaced with some sort of blood volume expander. Do they actually mean they had to put 5 pints into him whilst trying to stop the bleeding in hospital. In which case technically he did 'lose' 5 pints, but as it was being continually replaced the quote is incorrect. A small, petty point, but I'm a small petty man.


Anyway given the increasing amount of attacks by these homicidal herbivores and rampaging ruminants, should we really be breeding enormous frikkin horses that look like they could kick the turret off a Main Battle Tank .

click for even larger

More picture of the huge horse at The Daily Mail
.

Covering Up

.

Lazy post this morning, I have to go wait for some trades people to lag Nan's loft and as the time of their arrival is about as precise as The Second Coming. I shall be spending most of the day without interwebs and haven't the time to scan this mornings shit fest that is the MSM before I leave. ( she still won't get BroadBand, selfish I call call it).

So, 'Cover Versions', I have heard it said that the 'Cover Version' is one of the great compliments one artist can pay another. Unfortunately most are 'meh, why did they bother' they add nothing to the original and others simply embarrassing.

But once in a very long while, a 'Cover Version' can exceed the original.

Here in my opinion are two of the best, enjoy.

.

The 'Strong Arm' Of The Law

.
Can somebody tell me, how the below is:

a) In the public interest?
b) A good use of public funds?
c) A good use of police and CPS time?

Bra Girl Charged For Posing As Police Constable

The only thing I can think of is that someone in the Police felt they were made to look foolish (surely they do that on their own) and are now exacting their revenge. For if you prick the pomposity of the Righteous or go against their wishes their spite and vengeance knows no limit or public cost. Just ask Yvonne Hossack or Jane Clift.

Impersonating Police Officers
H/T & Photo's The Evening Standard

Are The Righteous Worried?

I mean they have their smoking ban, they won didn't they. Why keep banging on about it and seeking to justify the ban, it's here.

Or could it be they sense some backsliding, maybe a hint of relaxation, the news that other European countries are non implementing a blanket ban or even just saying "No" and that will never do.

From The Times today we have massive cockend Professor John Britton discussing;

Why are smoking bans so good at cutting heart attack rates?

Well actually they may not be Professor and you could just be making it all up.

You see gone are the days when you could release reports and figures at will, to prove whatever hypothesis you wished and the public would lap it up and believe what ever codswallop you spouted at face value.

It fact it on took a couple of bloggers I read, only a few minutes to demolish the lofty claims in the report that you mention.

Dick Puddlecoat - Today You will Hear And Watch This Bullshit On The BBC

Mark Wadsworth - More Fake Statistics

I think they are begining to see their control slipping away and they don't like it. Let's hope so anyway.

NOTE: The Times article mentions Professor John Britton is the director of the UK Centre for Tobacco Control Studies at the University of Nottingham.

What it doesn't mention is that he is a Trustee for ASH , so paid from the government titty.

It's always about control , never believe anything different.
.

Miss Watts In The Library With A Pair Of Scissors

.

Library 'Scissor Ban' Is Absurd

If it had been me, the conversation would have gone something like this.

Mr Pavlov's Cat: "Hello, could I borrow a pair of scissors please? I'd like to cut up these leaflets that I've just photocopied on your machine over there"

Library Assistant*: "No you can't"

PC: "Perchance, could you explain why not?"

LA: "It's for Health and Safety reasons."

PC:"Come now Sir/Madam, I can assure you I been using scissors for many years now for the cutting and dividing of things with no injury to myself or others."

LA: "You might stab me with them."

PC: "Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. But rules are rules I suppose, and if anyone can be a kiddy fiddler these days, it stands to reason we may all be potential homicidal maniacs. Better safe then sorry."

"In that case perhaps I could use that guillotine that I espy on the table over yonder?"

LA*: "No you can't"

PC: "Perchance again, could you explain why not?"

LA: "It's for Health and Safety reasons."

PC: "But it has no sharp points and the blade is adequately guarded, the risk of stabbage I would guess is infinitesimal"

LA:" True, but you might hit me over the head with it"

PC:"ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!!"

LA:" Sir, you are being abusive and bullying and I have a right to work without being subject to abuse. Not only that, your use of the word 'insane' may upset any of our clients stroke customers who happen to suffer or know someone who suffers or suffered from mental illness. As such after calling the Police to charge you with assault, I will be reporting you to The Diversity & Equality Officer and have you banned from ALL council services and offices once you are released from prison. "

"By the way that's £1.50 for the photocopies"

Mr Pavlov's Cat then beats Library Assistant to Death with a hard back copy of Anathem by Neal Stephenson.

We really are through the looking glass now people.


*I refer to them as a Library Assistant as I guess that's who it was, rather than Librarian. Librarians are sensible people who have degrees and such and would hopefully have more sense than to espouse such bollocks.

Note: I am warming up to a post about how librarys have gone to shit.

.

Vultures

.
A horrendous accident in Suffolk, a car ploughs into a group of children. Thankfully none were killed, although several were injured and at the time of posting two still remain in hospital, but their injuries are not life threatening.

But what caught my eye in this report on the BBC was this.

"Counsellors were called to the scene and subsequently attended the school."

For fucks sake, were they on speed dial. Although I bet they were already on their touchy-feely way, once they'd pulled on their Orkney sweaters and Batik skirts and donned their Crocs. Did anybody ask the parents if they wanted their children 'counselled'* or would refusal be seen as akin to child abuse these days.

"We're here to help, tell me how you feel?"

* I am not saying that properly trained counsellors do not have their use. I've used one myself. and he helped me a great deal . But this really just seems nasty and part of this agenda that we 'can't handle' anything ourselves anymore but have to turn to the State to tell us how to 'feel'. ( Plus plenty of public money going to the Righteous and their friends)

.

Poets Day (12)

.

Age saw two quiet children
Go loving by at twilight,
He knew not whether homeward,
Or outward from the village,
Or (chimes were ringing) churchward,
He waited (they were strangers)
Till they were out of hearing
To bid them both be happy.
"Be happy, happy, happy,
And seize the day of pleasure."
The age-long theme is Age's.
'Twas Age imposed on poems
Their gather-roses burden
To warn against the danger
That overtaken lovers
From being overflooded
With happiness should have it.
And yet not know they have it.
But bid life seize the present?
It lives less in the present
Than in the future always,
And less in both together
Than in the past. The present
Is too much for the senses,
Too crowding, too confusing
Too present to imagine.


Carpe Diem -Robert Frost
.

Where The Wild Things Are

.

Some people have told me it's unseemly and maybe a bit creepy for a grown man to get so excited over the film adaptation of a children's book.

But I don't care, and I would definitely have this as a print on my wall ( if I had one.)

If Van Gogh did Sendak

click for larger
.

h/t BuzzFeed

Spawny Git

click for bigger boobage

And he probably gets paid as well for a job that about 50% of us would happily do for nothing.

Lucky, lucky bastard.
.

And Thus They Spake Unto Him

.

"Oh Mr Pavlov's Cat, we are but a young couple about to set off upon life's road together, but we are sorely vexed and trialed. There is something lacking, something that would tie us to this long journey that begins with a single step. What we require is an Arc Welder preferably with some sort of high speed cooling and all the accessories we need but all for under thirty of the good Queens pounds, for we are poor as church mice having purchased a Barrett Box off-plan at Woolwich Arsenal during the boom. Where O' Where could we find such a thing, our happiness is in our hands."

Lo' did Mr Pavlov's Cat respond.

"Fret you not O' best beloved, for it has been revealed to me in a missive from The Mighty Interwebs, an EMail-O-Gram entitled 'Weekly Specials Thursday 24th September 2009'.
Hie yourselves with great haste this coming Thursday to your nearest emporium that is called ALDI, (worry not that they are of the German and have strange biscuits and unusually named chocolate bars)
There you will find to your great delight 'The Turbo Fan Cooled Arc Welder' and included within 'All the accessories you will need' for the sum of only Twenty Nine Pounds and Ninety Nine New Pence.
But be sure to heed this warning that was graven upon the missive 'Hurry While Stocks Last, Once They're Gone, They're Gone."

And there was much rejoicing throughout the land.

click welder for more info

.

1,400 Kids, He Must Have Been Exhausted

.
DWP Bureaucrat Behind Bars For Creating 1,400 Fake Kids

John Brian Agdomar, 42, of Hackney, East London, got four and a half years for tax credit fraud, relating to the creation of identities for 1,400 imaginary children and the claiming of £1.2m in tax credits.

£1.2 mio buggering hell

He was helped by Olanekan Omatayo Ogunmekan, 34, of Bethnal Green, East London. He got 52 months for conspiracy to commit fraud and a default sentence of 30 months for failing to repay £162,652.71, as he was ordered to by the court.

That seems a bit light

Olanekan Omatayo Ogunmekan is a Nigerian national and under instruction of the courts he is to be automatically deported back to Nigeria on his release and is banned for life from returning to the UK.

I'll believe it when I see it and I should imagine the money's in Lagos already, so that's gone.

Agdomar was also charged with abusing his position of trust within the civil service.

No shit.

EDIT: Kudos to the commentor at El Reg who said

'He thought they said "Won't somebody think up the children?" so he did'

.
h/t The Register

Don't Do As I Do, Do As I Say

.
Charge Students More say Bosses

Clegg To Axe Tuition Fees Pledge

I confess, I don't have a horse in this race other than as a taxpayer, I have no children and I didn't go to University, I tried it for a year, but it wasn't for me.

However if I have to pay for someones higher education, I want it to be the brightest and the best and not including the lazy and lackluster.

That however is not my point, my point is that this seems to be another occasion where our glorious leaders having availed themselves of a benefit seek to deny it to everyone below them.

I cannot think of a single sitting MP that did not have their tuition fees paid for by you and I (or in my case by my father and Grandfather and a little bit by me, I've been paying tax since 1983) and I should imagine that all those suits at the CBI got their degrees courtesy of Joe Public as well. I went to school with a sitting MP and I know for a fact that he didn't have to put his hand in his pocket to pay for his Social & Political Sciences degree or finish with a £25,000 overdraft, yet one of his first actions on election was to vote in favour of tuition fees, despite a manifesto promise not to introduce them.

This is just rank hypocrisy (and I thought so at the time they were introduced) other examples include;

MP's voting through a 7% pay rise in the midst of the worst recession in 25 years

Continuing to raise alcohol duty, while enjoying subsidised bars.

EU regulations banning smoking rooms, whilst continuing to supply them in the EU Parliament.

Local councils ignoring the law for their own ends

The list I'm afraid is endless and I'm sure you have your own examples.

One blogger who I visit recently said that we are no longer a democracy ( if we ever were)* but are heading down the slippery slope to feudalism, with a few barons at the top , the local councils acting as thier landlords and talleymen with the rest of us as just serfs existing only at their whim, our pleasures and joys to be constrained and withheld by what ever capriciousness takes their fancy.

They say it was The Black Death that was the beginning of the end of feudalism in Britain, we may have hope it comes again. Because I don't think there's enough lamp-posts or piano wire to rid the country of all them all.
.
*emphasis mine

No Space For "A Bridge Too Far"

On the 65th Anniversary of Operation Market Garden, I thought at least one of the main TV channels would have run 'A Bridge Too Far'. But it seems space is limited for all the cracking new content they have for us.

Let's see what delights they are entertaining us with instead this Sunday afternoon. (rpt. indicates repeat )

BBC1: Allo, Allo rpt. : East Enders Omnibus rpt : Songs of Praise : Land Girls rpt.

BBC2: Davis Cup Tennis : Film 'The First Great Train Robbery' 1978 : Rugby League : Lost Land of the Volcano rpt. : Top Gear rpt.

ITV : The X Factor rpt. : Film 'Columbo' 1973 : Film 'Goldfinger' 1964 : All Star Family fortunes : The X Factor

Channel 4: Britney Spears documentary : Friends rpt. : Ugly Betty rpt. The Simpsons rpt. : Deal or No Deal :Scrap Heap Challenge.

Five: Film 'Duel' 1971 : Film 'Cannonball Run II' 1983 : Film 'Back to the Future' 1985 : Cricket High Lights : Film 'The Fast & The Furious' 2001

Nope, they're right I can see nothing there that could have been moved for a film showing the bravery and courage of the Airborne forces during the Second World War.

A note to program schedulers, "You utter, utter tossers, I despise you all."

.

Dhimmitude d'Jour

Don't eat near Ramadan fasters Home Office Staff told.

Home Office staff were officially warned not to eat in front of their fasting Muslim colleagues during Ramadan – in case it made them feel hungry.

I don't think making them 'feel hungry' is what they should be worried about

Afghan Policeman shoots American police mentor for drinking water during Ramadan fast.

Perhaps this should also be extended to include not eating near people who are on diets, we all know the salad dodgers have a really hard time.
.

And no steaks on Friday in case any left footers are around.
.

With Only A Few Changes To Names

.
He could have been talking about Great Britain.

Geert Wilders Speech on the first day of debate of the Dutch Parliament

It is over. This government has run aground, like an old car that got stuck in loose sand. It still squeaks a little, it cracks. Anyone can see that the little creature will never move one meter again. The battery is dead. It’s all over. ( cont....)

Read the complete speech at EuropeNews it's worth your time.
.

That'll Learn Her Judge !

Judge Stephen Waller said:
"You have, unhappily, displayed very little insight into what happened. You have showed no remorse or sympathy for the true victims here, who are the officers. It seems to me you see yourself as the victim. That attitude, I must tell you, is wholly wrong and you bear a heavy responsibility for what happened that afternoon."

The 16-year-old, who cannot be named for legal reasons, attacked the officers when they asked a friend of hers to pick up a burger wrapper she had dropped in Croydon, South London.

A mob then surrounded the officers as they struggled to control the girl and they were pushed to the ground and punched, kicked and stamped on. At one point the girl jumped on the back of one officer and bit him on the shoulder. Fearing for their lives the officers called for back-up and the teenager was brought under control only when CS gas was sprayed directly in her face.

So he's really going to throw the book at her

School Girl Sentenced 80 Hours Fucking Community Service.

Sometimes I just despair, is it any wonder that things like this happen .

Come Back Jim Corbett, All Is Forgiven

.
From Mark Wadsworth we have many incidents of cows cutting capers

Cows Force Man And Dog Into River

From the Metro an example of monkey mayhem and madness

Monkey Pushes Woman Tourist Off Cliff

From The Land of Wonder

Krazy kangaroo's kicking off.

Pseudonymph points me to pachyderm pugnaciousness in South Korea

Woman Claims Zoo elephant Threw Rock At Her Head

and now from Bexleyheath, scandalous squirrel shenanigans

Squirrel Breaks Into Local Mans House In Vain Rescue Attempt.

It has not escaped my notice that so far, these attacks have all been by herbivores. However if the chap below and his friends decide to get involved, we might be thinking Jim Corbett and his ilk weren't such bad chaps after all.

click image for larger teeth

.

Poets Day (11)

.
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
.
.
Desiderata - Max Ehrmann (©1927)
.

"What's That Skippy?"

.
Mark Wadsworth has been ably compiling articles on the increase in bovine beastliness that seems to be occurring of late in this green and pleasant land of ours.

We should be grateful however we don't live in that upside down place, where it seems you are not safe even in your own home from outbreaks of marsupial madness.

Woman terrified as kangaroo jumps through window.

Nature always wins out in the end and now it seems they are on the offensive. Be Warned!

Finally for my older readers some nostalgia.

Late Edit : And now the monkeys are joining in.

Tourist pushed off cliff by monkey.
.

Your Majesty, You Look Like The Piss Boy*

.
It's Thursday, so it must be 'Shopping with Nan Day'. I don't tend to read the papers first as the actual act of 'Shopping with Nan' would sap the will to live from anyone. If I was to read the papers first, I feel that combined with the shopping it would bring me so low that I may actually top myself in the 'Jams, Pickles & Preserved Fruits' aisle.

Incoming in the comments in the below post asked for more Japanese vending machines, but I feel I may have peaked too soon on those and need to save some for later as the remaining supply is limited.

So have some more Japanese strangeness (Strange to us that is, to the Japanese perfectly normal)

click on images for larger version

This copy of the Mannekin Pis can be found on a platform at Hamamatsu-cho Station on the Yamanote Line in Tokyo, Japan. It was donated (why?) by Dr. Hikaru Kobayashi in 1952. It is looked after by a team of volunteers who dress him appropriately for the season or often particular events. The photo's were taken in July the 'Summer' month as indicated by the Sunflowers.

Now Hamamatsu-cho Station is nothing special, just a commuter station much like Northolt, Welling or Harrow. But one has to wonder if such a statue would last 57 minutes, let alone 57 years at those places.

* Bonus interweb points for whoever gets the movie quote in the post title and its rejoinder
.

'The Irish Solution'

I think we have been too long without a new figure of speech, such as 'The Townsend Defence' 'The Peter Principle' or 'Murphy's Law'. So I'm going to propose 'The Irish Solution'

The Irish Solution:

def: The act of repeatedly pushing forward with an event, law or action until the desired result is achieved even if initial results are to the contrary.

from: The EU ordered repeat of the Irish Referendum on the EU Treaty after a majority NO vote was cast initially

usage: Mostly used by Government both national and local, but can be used by individuals.

Some recent examples

Q: "Those chaps we wanted for that bombing campaign have been found not guilty.
A: "Never mind we'll use The Irish Solution

Q: "But Miss you've already lost claims for race discrimination, constructive unfair dismissal and wrongful dismissal

A: Have you not heard of the The Irish Solution

Q:"But didn't the EU Courts of Human Rights say we had to destroy the DNA of innocent people"
A:" Not too worry we're using The Irish Solution"

Eventually we could see:

Reporter: "Sir Alex, that was a bad loss for Man United 5-1 down to Arsenal after 90 minutes"
Sir A F: " It was not a loss, I have told the referee that I'm going to use The Irish Solution and we are going to keep playing until we win."

Reporter: "But Arsenal won't be on the field"
Sir A F: "That's their problem not mine, the important thing is we will get the result that we want which is a win."

I can also see The Irish Solution being used for the new ISA , ID cards and so on.

Any more examples please post below.
.
EDIT: Trixy has an excellent post on The Irish Solution as actually applied to Ireland and the Referendum over at Nourishing Obscurity
.

Face / Palm Story Of The Day

.
The trial of a Pakistani student accused of causing two deaths in a road crash is going ahead despite his abscence

Why's that then?

He is in Pakistan

Oh, but surely he was on remand or bail, told not to leave the country,and made to surrender his passport.
So he fled to back to Pakistan to escape justice a well known tactic for people from that part of the world.

He was allowed to fly out to his sick mother while on bail, but failed to return.

What the fuck? Well ask him to come back then.

Mr Raza's visa expired while he was in Pakistan and the UK Border Agency prevented his return to face trial on several occasions

You're kidding right?

A judge ordered the agency to allow his return and Lincolnshire Police paid £516 for his flight but Mr Raza failed to board the plane.

And nobody saw that coming.

Scared Of Death

.
There is one absolute certainty in this 'Vale of Tears' that we inhabit, that is;

"No One Here Gets Out Alive"

Everybody dies, you, me, everybody, you maybe a King or a little Street Sweeper but sooner or later you dance with The Reaper.

Some die too soon, some die too late, but most if they're lucky die when it's their time.

People in times past were aware that our span on this earth was limited, they celebrated life and in death celebrated a life well spent. But today, here in the West particularly, we either ignore death or we fear it, we hide it away with euphemisms.

After my Grandfathers recent death, the Death Certificate listed 'Cause of Death' as complications from pneumonia. Which is bollocks, 'Cause of Death' was being 85 years old and worn out, the superb engine that had sustained him for 85 years had run out of steam, nothing more, nothing less.

People would say "I was shocked to hear about your Grandad" "Why?" I would respond "You knew he was 85 it was only a matter of time." and they would look at me aghast.

We are constantly being bombarded with ways to cheat death, eat less, don't smoke, less salt, no alcohol, etc. etc.

Now get this you lentil eating, muesli munching, tee-total, non smoking, cock ends YOU ARE STILL GOING TO FUCKING DIE ! except perhaps after a very long time and of boredom, but it could actually be a very short time, due to a genetic weakness that you can do fuck all about, being hit by a bus, a melanoma from your last holiday to Tuscany, blown up by a goat shagging beardie or a plethora of other afflictions.

This does no good to anyone, if you fear Death you can take comfort in religion or philosophy it doesn't bother me (unless you take up a religion that encourages you to take others along for the ride) or better 'Fill the unforgiving minute, with sixty seconds' worth of distance run'. But you shouldn't fear the inevitable, our ancestors knew that and we have forgotten.

When I was growing up, you came gradually to realise that your parents and grandparents were not immortal and neither were you. But you were never constantly berated about how you could cheat death, because the answer is, you can't.

Yet nowadays people are 'Stunned' & 'Shocked' to hear someone has died even of venerable old age, as if something has 'gone wrong' this is not healthy. There is an implication that medicine, science and lifestyle can extend our allotted span indefinitely, well it can't, get used to it.

So tell me if you can HOW DOES FRIGHTENING CHILDREN WITH THEIR PARENTS MORTALITY FUCKING HELP?

click for larger

Well I'm sorry you had to find out so young Molly, but that's the cunts at the NHS & ASH for you, they'll even destroy a child's innocence to make their point, but here's the facts they won't have told you: Your Mum is going to die, you are going to die, everyone you know is going to die. Sometimes sooner than you'd like, but that's life ( or rather Death)

Now go on and have a good life, make your own mind up and don't listen to the cunts who would control every aspect of your life because they think they know best, because mostly they don't.
.

New Placards For The English Defence League?

h/t Weasel Zippers

Disappointing Headline of the Day

.

"Blade Runner" In South Africa Court

and there's me thinking.


But actually it was only.

Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius, known as "blade runner", is set to appear at the Pretoria Magistrates court charged with assault.

I Guess Steven Hawking Was Busy

.
Teenager With No Arms Designated As Getaway Driver In Jewellery Heist

ah, too many jokes, visions of one-legged Tarzans appearing.

The Judge suspended the sentence as he could see he was armless.

A Police spokesman said they would have liked prior information about the raid as forewarned is forearmed, unlike the getaway drive.

Any more? please post below.

But I'll let Steve from Bedford who seems to have missed the crucial point of the article, have the final comment.

Click to embiggen

But Steve, ah never mind...................
.

His mind shrinks away

.
I think I've found a new girlfriend.

click for larger

The only barrier to this budding romance that I can see (apart her from sending it to two other guys who have similar names to me) is that Ludmilla I. actually seems to be a bloke called Derek.


No, but seriously, I actually found this quite poetic for a Spam Mail.

.

WTF? Quote of the Day

.
'You have turned to Islam and this promises well for your future, particularly as you are now an adherent of a religion which respects women and self-discipline.'

Judge Anthony Goldstaub QC

Rapist Praised By Judge For Converting To Islam


For more details on how much Islam respects women and self discipline have a look at Jihad Watch or Weasel Zippers back catalogue.

.

Smoking Politeness - Japan Style

It's a pleasant day and I haven't read the papers yet, so some more from the archive.

Shibuya Ward, Japan launched a campaign of smoking rules and Public Service Adverts to 'Improve Coexistence Between Smokers and Non-Smokers'. Not realising of course that there can never be coexistence The Righteous will not allow it.

Anyway I've put some examples in an album and one below, if you like you can also click the picture to take you there.

Not sure if this one is a warning or a hint, but smoke is not going to bother the helicopter, which I think would be more dangerous, so that's a relief at least.

.Click image for more PSA's
.

Mama, We're All Pervy Now.

.

Due to the rampant paedophilia and child abuse that infests the British Isles, where you can't step out of your gate without seeing a group of adults beating a five year old with snooker balls in a sock. It has been decided that anyone who even looks at a child is possibly then going to go on and nonce them or poke them with sticks.

Therefore all these potentially dangerous, would-be kiddie fiddlers must be tagged and bar-coded (Someone has worked out it's approximately 11 mio people, I will probably be one of them as I often look after my niece & nephew, plus my SiL's niece & nephew)

Most bloggers and the MSM seem to think this is not a good thing, see Old Holborn , Libertarian Party et.al. even The Daily Fail has issues with it, which is a bit hypocritical seeing as they are one of the ones that have helped drive this panic with their 'Think of the Cheeeeeldren' diatribes.

I'm not going to go into it in detail as others have done it better (see above) ,only to say it's another step closer on the path to a Stasi State.

But the one group of people I do feel sorry for are Football Mascots, you know those boys and girls that lead the team out onto the pitch. Because all those footballers are going to have to be on the database and checked for criminal convictions, disciplinary action and even unproven allegations.

I can think of a few footballers that aren't going to pass that test, there may well be a few gaps in the line next season.

NOTE: Image used for illustration purposes only and in no way implies that unlike the Government, the author believes a quarter of the England Team are potential Uncle Ernie's
.

'Sorry' No Longer Seems To Be The Hardest Word

.
Gordon Brown has said he was sorry for the "appalling" way World War II code breaker Alan Turing was treated for being gay.

Why Gordon? Did you have a time machine and go back to the 1950's work your way up the ranks of government or MI5 and personally persecute Alan Turing.
Or are you saying sorry on behalf of the UK government of the 1950's, in which case what gives you the right to apologise on behalf of people dead and gone who were acting within the strictures and mores of their day.

I hate the way that 'sorry' has been devalued by our society, it has become a 'Get out of Jail Free' card' for politicians much like 'it's their culture' has become for other groups.

Children are taught that 'sorry' excuses all wrongs, they are not told to 'apologise' they are told to ''just say 'sorry'' and in doing so it means they are not needed to internalise their regret and perhaps learn from their mistakes.

To me, to say 'sorry' is a profound expression of personal regret and or remorse. I will admit I was wrong, I will express regret, I will admit to a mistake, I will apologise. But only in the most extreme cases where I do actually feel personal regret and or remorse will I say 'sorry'. To use it for less cheapens the word and makes it meaningless.

Here we get to the nub of my post, what gives anyone the right to say 'sorry' for or demand that people say 'sorry' for deeds and actions long past, over which the person , people or nation currently alive had no influence or control. Which if you had asked the people at the time to say 'sorry' they would have looked at you in bemusement as what they were doing was perfectly acceptable for their time and situation.

"Hindsight is 20/20 vision" and "Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it" Yes, we can learn from others mistakes as indeed we have. You can express regret and remorse, by all means. But say 'sorry' for them, no. I will not say 'sorry' just because I happen to be born in a country where 200 years ago people used to sell other people for money, I bear no responsibility for that, I can act to stop it happening again, but I will not say 'sorry' and NOBODY has the right to say 'sorry' on my behalf either.

With regard to past events, in these enlightened times I can regret they happened and it is perhaps my responsibility to ensure they don't happen again, but I was not personally responsible , so no 'sorry' from me .

Here are some other things I will not be saying 'sorry' for;

The Crusades
Slavery
The Treatment of Aborigines
Colonisation
The Opium Wars
The Execution of French prisoners at Agincourt
The Zulu Wars
The Boer War
The Highland Clearances
The Enclosure Act
The Potato Famine
The Transportation of Prisoners
etc.

"The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there"

.

Poets Day (10)

.
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

The Second Coming - W.B. Yeats
.

Is This Really Phil Collins?

click for larger

I may be wrong, but it doesn't look like Phil Collins to me. ( story here) It may just be a bad picture or it may be another example of sheer ignorance and lazyness in the MSM

What do you think?

Now this looks like Phil Collins to me.

EDIT : The article has now been updated with a more approprate picure i.e one that is actually of the Ex-Genesis drummer Phil Collins and not some other person.

Remember Sub-editors , It takes a second to hit publish, but the legend of your stupidity will live on in the Interwebs for an eternity.
.

'Filthiest' Pop Song Ever?

.

Driving over to Nan's today and listening to Absolute Radio as is my wont. I was once again pleasantly surprised to hear the below on the radio.

I can't recall there being a furore over this track say of the 'Relax' kind, but really, it has to have some of the 'dirtiest in a good way' lyrics of any pop song.

I like it and Chrissy Amphlett seemed the sort of girl I wanted to meet, but never did.

Original Video Here ( unable to embed )

Live version below.

Daily Mail Gets A Fact Wrong - A Pedants Post

click image for more glaring inaccuracy

I know I'm possibly being pedantic and these things shouldn't bother me*. But they do, a fact is a fact so get it right.

Aren't there people employed to check on the basic facts of stories? Or are they just lazy and assumed that there must have been jet bombers in WW2.

The Handley Page Victor first flew in 1952, (World War II finished in 1945 for Daily Mail subs who are reading ) and entered service in 1958 a whole 13 years after WW2 (which ended in 1945 as I mentioned for The Daily Mail fact checkers.)

* I took a screen print as I'm sure the original article will be amended after the anoraks get at the comments board
.

The Interweb Never Forgets : The article has now been corrected as of 12:48, but we saw it, so "Shame, Shame, We Know Your Name."

One Of The All Time Classic Blunders

.
Amongst

Never invade Russia in the autumn
Never get involved in a land war in Asia
Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!
and
Never ask "Apart from that Mrs Lincoln , how did you find the play?"

Has to be

Never give one of the worlds most violent terrorist groups a bad cheque!

The Debt Recovery Dept. arrives for work.

'The Junior Savers Club' are also not happy

See A Need, Fill A Need*

.

Cigarette smuggling into Britain is becoming so lucrative that growing numbers of young women are being offered free summer holidays by criminals in return for trafficking tobacco.

I wonder why that is?

Smugglers usually sell packets of 20 for about £3 – half the price of legitimate cigarettes in Britain, which a Treasury survey confirms as the most expensive in Europe.

Oh right.

"We are determined to eradicate tobacco smuggling and its devastating impact on our communities," a UK Border Agency source said.

Working so far with the 'War on Drugs' so good luck with that and in the meantime lose millions of pounds to the exchequer.
.
.
*Apologies to Big Weld

School Answer Machine

Shamelessly stolen from Pseudonymph at Rad Mamblings.

But I think it deserves a repost as I know of at least one UK teacher who reads this blog and would heartily agree with the sentiments expressed.
.

Thank God The Chicken Was OK

Naked Man Jumps Off Fourth Plinth

"Gunter went on to the platform wearing a green SpiderMan-style suit with his face covered and then disappeared into a pop-up tent which he took with him.

He blew up inflatable models including sex dolls and a crocodile.

Gunter later emerged and stripped naked before sitting with his head in his hands on the edge of the plinth. Towards the end of his hour he jumped into the safety net."

Art or "Care in the Community"?

"He also took a live chicken on to the plinth"

I'm going for the latter.

"A spokesman for the project said both the chicken and the man were unhurt."

Don't you just love the way the Beeb put the chicken first.
.

Are You Not Entertained?

This reminds me again why I like Australia and Aussies.

After taking a snide shot at Russell Crowe's fitness when a picture appeared of him having a fag and a couple of tacos at the end of a bike ride. Reporter Annette Sharp found herself challenged the next day to go on a bike ride with him.

To which she gamely accepted, fair play to her and I love the quote.

"When you make a living throwing stones you expect that one day someone is going to lob one back. This was that day."

I can't see any of own columnists behaving in a similar manner, unless perhaps it's a brisk walk through the Tuscan countryside.

Full Story The Sydney Telegraph

"After a couple of hours on the bike, you've earnt a couple of fags"

Russell Crowe

.

So He's Not A Jazz Musician Then

.
After quite a heavy night in the pub yesterday, I'm feeling a little jaded, I don't drink much these days due to financial circumstances ( plus living with 2 borderline alcoholics tends to put you off ). So my tolerance is way down.
But little bruv was buying more than his fair share and we have found a local boozer that does Guiness for £2.25 a pint, that may not seem cheap to anyone 'ooop t'North' but here in Sarf Lahndan, that's practically giving it away.

So in my quest to do at least a 'post a day' I shall regale you of a situation where I made a complete arse of myself.

When you live overseas for some time, you find yourself slipping on the current culture, TV, fads and obsessions that are all the rage back in the home country.

So it was that a couple of months after arriving back from The Land of the Rising Sun, I approached my brothers and asked.

"Who is this Bingo Wings that I keep overhearing people talking about, is he any good and do you have any MP3's I could listen to?"

The piss was most mercilessly ripped from me and to this day it is brought up at social gatherings along with asking if I've ever heard the bootleg session he did with Dado Rail.

Bastards.
.

We Just Can't Be Trusted

Once again the actions of a small minority are used as an excuse to impose nannying restrictions on the majority.

Tough New Controls For Everyday Pain Killers

Officials estimate that 32,000 people may be addicted to OTC pain killers, so 32,000 out of 61 mio by my maths that's 0.05% of the population. Not a lot really, even leaving aside the sliding scale that is the definition of addition, depending on your vested interest and who is paying you, ( one pint a day makes you an alcoholic to some).

'Officials estimate that 32,000 people may be addicted' do they indeed, well there's the science right there, I'm convinced or did they survey a few GP's and then as always extrapolate the result to the whole country.

Dr Brian Iddon, who was chair of the All Party Parliamentary Group on Drug Misuse when the report was published, said: 'We are really pleased that the MHRA are now sitting up and taking notice. It is the hidden addiction, but it is affecting many, many more people than we think.'

'Than we think' So you don't actually know , so as usual with all the nannying statistics, if the numbers don't actually add up to much, exaggerate them with 'hidden' victims. Oh do cock off.

'We are really pleased that the MHRA are now sitting up and taking notice.' Well of course they are or next you will be accusing them of selling smack to children outside the school gates.

So another little bit of our self determination, our control over our own bodies and minds is chipped away and nobody complains because to do so would mean you want people to be addicts and that makes you evil.

But you see I'm wise to you banstubators now and your ways of gaining control over the minutiae of everyday life and a lot of people are feeling the same way. I'm just waiting for the final straw and you know how badly that went for the camel, and you 'Dr' Brian Iddon MP and your ilk are the camels.

Disingenuous much: It's interesting to note that in all the articles Brian Iddon MP is referred to as Dr. and they leave off the MP. Well yes he is a Doctor but in Organic Chemistry ( Phd. 1964 ) So he is perfectly entitled to call himself Dr. But that doesn't make him an MD , which is what this reporting seems to imply.

Remember: A plausible manner and a white coat does not a physician make.
.

The Thigh's The Limit.

.
Why having large thighs could help you live longer

Well bugger me, My Ex and her 'friends'* must be practically immortal then.
.
,
,

*That's' using 'friends' to actually mean 'a coven of fat arsed, interfering, self diagnosed lactose & gluten intolerant, self-taught relationship experts, 'Croc' wearing, trust fund having, 'organic' vegetable eating witches'


The Daily Mash joins in with a cream egg ciabatta
.

Poets Day (9)

.
O Captain my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up--for you the flag is flung for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribboned wreaths for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck,
You've fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchored safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.


O Captain! My Captain! - Walt Whitman
.

Casual Frozen Foods

.
Still blocked, plus I had to spend today at my Nan's taking her shopping and then waiting for the cunting gas man to come and survey her loft for lagging and cavity wall insulation. "Your Survey will last approximately 30 minutes and will occur on 3rd September between 12:00 and 17:00 " What time did the cock end turn up? Yep 4 bastard 30 pm.

So to be going on with have some more Japanese vending machine delight.

click image for large fries
.

Picture taken in Gotemba, Japan

Beer Machine

Slightly blocked today, writers that is, not bowels. So until something comes along that raises my ire sufficiently or I feel I can comment on, please accept this submission from the photo archive.

click image 4 lager

This lovely piece of street furniture can be found in Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan. where you can purchase an ice cold Asahi or Kirin for a reasonable sum.

It's outside an off licence and is there for the times the offey is closed, it automatically goes off at 11:00 pm due to licensing restrictions and although not shown in the picture there is a cigarette machine on the other side of the doorway, so you're sorted for your tabs as well.

It's interesting to note that neither machine is brought in at close of business and remains on the street at all times, I wonder how long that would last here?

Actually it would never happen here, I mean look at it, beer on the street, advertising cigarettes,
"Won't somebody think of the cheeeeeldren "

In fact on nearly every corner you can find a working coke machine and/or fag machine ( plus machines that sell cans of hot coffee, great for winter mornings). None of them vandalised or robbed.

In fact I remember arriving back at Heathrow once, gasping for a sugar and caffeine hit after a 12 hour flight, not one of the myriad machines in Baggage Claim was working, but the automated 'Not Smoking' tannoy was working fine, I couldn't get a coke till out of customs and then it was an overpriced bottle from the robbing, captive market, charge what you fucking like WH Smiths, all the time being reminded "This is a non-smoking airport"

"Welcome To The UK and Fuck You" I thought.
.

Hey-ho , Let's No!

The phrase "hey-ho" is set to make its debut in the new edition of the Collins English Dictionary. But how did an old-fashioned saying make its way into modern usage?

Because certain types of people are affectatious twats and think that adding a bit of 15th century slang into their vocabulary makes them seemed learned and a little bit 'different', particularly if said with a jaded 'Oscar Wildey' sigh.

No it doesn't, it makes you look like a huge cocking great knob end. What next? are we going to bring back gadzooks, odds-bodkins or 'beshrew me' ("Don't say 'beshrew me,' Percy -- Only stupid actors say 'beshrew me" :E. Blackadder)

If someone uses 'hey-ho' in conversation when I'm talking to them, it is to me the equivalent of nails down a blackboard. I tend to miss the rest of what they say due to trying not to punch them in the fucking throat. Which I am sure one day I will.

By the way, the same goes for anyone who uses the word 'lush' and is not describing a) Jungle or b) Grassland.

Fortunately the 'lush' affectation seems to be mostly confined to Wales at present, probably due to the fact of the sheep shaggers being a feared of crossing 'The Big Metal Plank in the Sky" over The Severn ( plus they have to pay to get back in). But if you do come across it, stamp it out as quickly as possible.

The Queue of Shame

Denormalisation - The goal of every bansturbator, to make perfectly legal activities an anathema to the General Public and make pariahs of those who engage in those legal activities and by so doing bring in their banning legislation without anyone noticing the chipping away of individual liberty.

The Filthy Smoker, The Devil and Dick Puddlecoat have expounded at length as to how this was done by the Anti-smoking lobby, so I'm not going to repeat it here ( go read their archives, you won't be disappointed). The excellent book Velvet Glove, Iron Fist outlines the whole campaign.

The campaign against alcohol has been bubbling away for a while now, but now that smoking is out of the way, The Righteous can turn their full force against the demon drink. From arbitrary unit's plucked from Liam Donaldson's arse as to what is safe/ not safe , exclusion zones, campaigns against happy hours and so on.

They then move on to the Denormalisation, drinking is destroying the NHS, anybody who drinks is sucking life from the NHS and is therefore a 'bad' person. All drinkers are violent, new laws must be made to tackle this evil, even when all drink related crime is covered by existing legislation, but it causes Joe Public to think there must be a serious problem or why would they need new laws, so lets ban the booze for 'these people' it doesn't affect me ( but wait).

The 2005 Licensing Scotland Act comes into effect

The act also requires places selling alcohol to have a licence for the premises and a designated staff member who has received a personal licence to sell drink after completing training on the new legislation.

So when you've done your weeks shopping at Sainsbury's and there's a couple of bottles of Chardonnay and a 4 x John Smiths in your trolley, you won't be able to join any queue. No, you'll have to go to the 'Booze Till' where Charmaine has been on 'The Course' and join all the other Chavs and Alkies that you so despise. How does it feel? all those eyes on you, judging you, condemning you, despising you, not nice is it? (Just ask the smokers.) Well you've just been Denormalised

Think it can't happen here? Well Scotland has been the test bed for The Righteous and their Temperance legislation for years now, where they lead we follow.
.