Sense Of Humour Failure

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A garden centre has provoked a feminist backlash from customers after suggesting men made their wives "feel special this Christmas" by buying a rotary clothesline as a present.

Best quote from Margaret Green of women's equality group WAITS*

"If you insist on buying your wife something for the house at least buy her something she can use over the Christmas period - a cooker perhaps."

If that’s not gender stereotyping, I don't know what is.I mean that’s up there with:

Q: Why do brides wear white?

A: So they match all the other kitchen appliances

And yet all us chaps are supposed to laugh heartily at this sort of thing.

Sorry can’t get video to embed, click link to view Feminax Express

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Cheap Hair Cuts

 

Another uniformly grey & depressing day, weather’s miserable, the News just as bad.

So I am indebted to Roxanne for pointing this my way.

Reminds of the old Pearl & Dean cinema adverts 
“Johnson’s Auto’s only 300 yards from this cinema for the best in Used Cortina's and Escort’s”

 

 

H/t Roxanne and a link to AlterNet (views expressed there not necessarily those of Pavlov’s Cat)

Sunday Signage

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My friend Shaun spotted this one near where he lived in Tokyo. We came to the conclusion that it meant.

Beware!
This Area Troubled By Fat Kids Carrying Axes
Riding Frikkin Bears And Giving ‘The Finger’ To All

To our great disappointment, we found out the more prosaic explanation was that it was a warning to cyclists to take care as there was a children's play area ahead. (The fat kid is Kintaro from Japanese folklore)

Yesterday Was A Good Day

I was wrangling my Grandmother around Sainsbury’s yesterday and was delighted to find that Blue Dragon had released a Japanese Curry Sauce.

Those readers that know me personally will know that apart from seared meat an authentic Japanese Katsu Curry is possibly my most favourite food ever.

Unfortunately it is particularly difficult to get a decent one in the UK, the best I can recommend is at the Tokyo Diner off Leicester Square, London.

I cooked one up with the sauce last night (with additional cooked potato & carrot chunks) served over couple of bread-crumbed chicken escalope's and white rice.

It was very, very good.

(They also do a Katsu Curry Kit , that includes sauce, sticky rice & breadcrumbs)

Give it a try, If you don’t like ‘Curry’ It is a ‘Japanese Curry’ it bears no relation to Indian ‘Curry’

Also I found out I am to be an Uncle again, my brother and my lovely sister in law found out yesterday that they have finally been approved to adopt a young lad.

This has been after what seemed at times a Sisyphean ordeal that has lasted 3 years,

But fair play to them, they stuck with it and in the end Social Services could not find a reason to deny them the chance of providing an unwanted child a loving family and home.

So congratulations to them and I’m looking forward to doing all the nice things with the sprog and not having to take it home at the end of the day.

[Ed*: Shouldn't this be the other way round?]
[PC: Get to fuck]

*There is no Editor

Darwin Award Attempt Ends In Failure

Motorists in a flood-hit town have been risking their lives by using a bridge which is in danger of collapsing.

Calva Bridge in Workington has been closed to traffic since it was damaged by floodwater.

However, three vehicles were spotted driving across it on Thursday after occupants removed temporary barriers.

Personally I’d say let them get on with it, they’ve been told the bridge is condemned and could collapse at any moment. They can’t say they weren’t warned.

If they want to take that risk to save 45 minutes driving time who are we to stop them..

I can’t say it’s on my list of ‘Things That Are Worth Risking Death For’ but some people have different priorities.

And some people are also morons.

Poets Day (21)

He thought he saw an Elephant,
That practised on a fife:
He looked again, and found it was
A letter from his wife.
'At length I realise,' he said,
The bitterness of Life!'

He thought he saw a Buffalo
Upon the chimney-piece:
He looked again, and found it was
His Sister's Husband's Niece.
'Unless you leave this house,' he said,
"I'll send for the Police!'

He thought he saw a Rattlesnake
That questioned him in Greek:
He looked again, and found it was
The Middle of Next Week.
'The one thing I regret,' he said,
'Is that it cannot speak!'

He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk
Descending from the bus:
He looked again, and found it was
A Hippopotamus.
'If this should stay to dine,' he said,
'There won't be much for us!'

He thought he saw a Kangaroo
That worked a coffee-mill:
He looked again, and found it was
A Vegetable-Pill.
'Were I to swallow this,' he said,
'I should be very ill!'

He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four
That stood beside his bed:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bear without a Head.
'Poor thing,' he said, 'poor silly thing!
It's waiting to be fed!'

He thought he saw an Albatross
That fluttered round the lamp:
He looked again, and found it was
A Penny-Postage Stamp.
'You'd best be getting home,' he said:
'The nights are very damp!'

He thought he saw a Garden-Door
That opened with a key:
He looked again, and found it was
A Double Rule of Three:
'And all its mystery,' he said,
'Is clear as day to me!'

He thought he saw a Argument
That proved he was the Pope:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bar of Mottled Soap.
'A fact so dread,' he faintly said,
'Extinguishes all hope!'

The Mad Gardeners Song – Lewis Carroll

I’m Definitely Going To Hell

 

And you probably are too

You may understand why if you read This Story

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‘Good Character’ Means Nothing Anymore

It used to be that if you were up in front of the beak or giving witness, that both the prosecution or defence may describe you as a person of ‘Good Character’

It was a legal euphemism, in British law  I believe during trial you are not allowed to refer to a defendants previous convictions or even a witnesses.

So if you had not been convicted of any offence previously as a defendant or as a witness you were described as a person of  “Good Character”.

This was a nod and a wink to the Jury and Judge , that as a Defendant it was a first offence and if not mentioned  the Defendant had a record.

Or as a witness it meant they were an upstanding member of the community.

And yet here we are in 2009  when a defence brief describes someone  as

“Normally of good character', with 'very few offences' on his record.”

and what did this ‘normally of good character’ person do ?

Vile thug spits in pensioner's face and beats her after she bumps into him on

I would say that a person of 23 with 'very few offences' on his record.”  can never be described as being of Good Character,

To do so, is to insult the millions of us who don’t have a single offence on record.

To add further insult to the victim, it seems they are trying to make out that it’s not the poor darlings fault and he’s ‘sick’

‘we ordered psychiatric reports to be carried out to understand why he behaved towards an elderly woman in such an awful way,'

I’ll tell you why he behaved that way, because I bet in all his previous ‘very few offences’ He was never sufficiently punished to a degree that showed to him that his actions were ‘Wrong’. 

Still as he was shameless and stupid enough to pose for the local rag, hopefully someone will give him a good thumping.

Want Your Face Ripped Off? Got A Cat?

Then get it one of these for Christmas

This possibly the most insane pet device I’ve ever seen.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it will work on dogs, dogs are stupid.

But cats? No frikkin way.

I guarantee that even if you sneak up on your cat, manage to insert a claw in the device, as soon as you turn it on, you are going to Hospital.

You can see the TV advert for this at the JML website Pedi Paws.
(JML have become the Ronco* for the noughties)

You will note that it is not shown being used on a cat. I would imagine the actors are still under going reconstructive surgery
(The US version does show just one cat being done for about 5 secs, after which I’m sure the blood splashing the lens made the film unusable)

So if you’ve got a cat or cats and are thinking of getting one of these. You’d better also stock up on; military wound dressings, bandages, plasters, butterfly stitches, disinfectant and blood expanders.

See Also: How To Give Your Cat A Tablet

*For younger readers your Grandad will explain who and what Ronco did

Another Rat Jumps Ship

It seems that another rat has decided to leave Parliament whilst his golden lifebelt is still intact.*

Tory MP Richard Spring to step down at the election

Conservative Party vice-chairman Richard Spring has announced he will stand down from Parliament at the next general election.

He was not the most egregious of troughers, but he was there for 18 years and took full advantage., amongst which were;

£35 of Commons expenses to get rid of a wasps' nest.

£163 for retuning televisions and video players in his home

£3,500 in legal fees relating to the purchase of his second home.

I wonder what his reasons are?

“The 63-year-old former businessman gave no reason for his decision.”

Well a quick glance at his Wiki page ( which is very sparse considering he’s been an MP for 18 years) tells us that.

He is currently a Vice-Chairman of the Conservative Party responsible for business links in the City of London.

Oh Ka-ching , they’ve got to bidding up for potential Ex-Tory MP’s with access to the PM, although ‘Call Me Dave’ is not yet a shoe in, it’s wise to hedge your bets.

Then of course all the troughing is coming to an end and if you stand down now you still qualify for the full 9 month resettlement allowance rather than 2 months after the next parliament.

That’s a minimum £32,000 you could lose by staying on, not to be chucked away lightly.

Is it any wonder that over 100 of his fellow rats have said they are not standing again.

Over at Iain Dale, he’s a bit upset by the news.

“Parliament will be the poorer without him.”

Well that’s your opinion Iain, but I can safely say the people of Britain will be just a bit richer. ( Until they find some other way of robbing us.)

*Apologies for mixing metaphors, but I couldn’t find a picture of a rat in a parachute and it sort of works

Roo Rage – Marauding Marsupial Mayhem

Mr Pavlov’s Cat Unknowingly
Just Inches Away From Possible Death
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Mark Wadsworth is still ably compiling a dossier on the increase in quadruped attacks on the human species. I have also mentioned attacks by other members of the animal kingdom “Come Back Jim Corbett”

There is also the worrying aspect of the escalation by ruminants into Suicide attacks.

Yet it seems the kangaroos still like to keep it “Up Close and Personal”.

Farmer’s lucky escape after savage roo held him under water and tried to disembowel him

A farmer nearly died after a rogue kangaroo tried to drown him and disembowel him after he dived into a pond to save his faithful dog from the savage animal.

Australian Chris Rickard was recovering in hospital today after receiving deep gashes in his abdomen and stomach from the attacker’s claws on its hind legs.

From his bed the 49-year-old, of Arthurs Creek, Victoria, revealed that he only escaped with is life after elbowing the ruthless animal in the throat.

Animals are no longer our friends, if they ever were, as anyone with a cat can tell you.

Let’s be careful out there.

Couldn’t Organise A Piss Up In A Brewery

I mean really, is there nothing this group of incompetents touch that they cannot make worse.

Student visa numbers soar after new rules take effect

The number of students entering the UK from India and Bangladesh has risen sharply since a new visa system began, the BBC has learned.

The UK Border Agency had said it believed the total number of students was "roughly the same" as last year.

But a Freedom of Information request revealed the numbers entering from those countries, thought to be hotspots for bogus students, has tripled.

Still I’m sure these are all genuine students, going to attend reputable places of learning.

Officers said a significant number of those arriving on student visas had previously been denied entry to the UK, and they suspected that many had come here to work and not study.

One Heathrow-based whistleblower told the Donal MacIntyre programme that many so-called students could not speak English, and knew nothing about the courses they claimed to be studying.

And yet given the information told us by Andrew Neather earlier this month that Labour let in migrants 'to engineer multicultural UK'

Between June and August 2008 (before the new system for students came into force), the British High Commissions in Mumbai, New Delhi and Dhaka issued 6,771 student visas.

During the same period this year (under the new points-based immigration system), the three offices issued 19,950 visas.

Those of us wearing the tin-foil hats wonder if this is another example of Labours on-going scorched earth policy.

It is also interesting that this has now gone from the BBC front page, replaced by a story about the X-factor.

I wonder if any of the MSM will run with it.

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They Might Be Giants

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A noble sentiment and one to which I think we can all agree, as some people still think it’s OK to let their land sharks defecate at will and make no effort to clerar up said leavings.

But if that’s the case, why put the frakking sign 10 foot in the bloody air.

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And this isn’t a one off, I had a stroll around the neighbourhood  and identical signs have been placed on every 4th or 5th lamppost, all a similar distance from ground level. (I had to use the zoom to get the top image, in no way is the smaller print readable from the street)

Don’t ask me how long they’ve been there, because I don’t know. My attention was only drawn to this one as it happened to catch my eye when I was looking at a low flying Chinook.

I suppose the local council will say they are displayed correctly and it is probably better than on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard'.

But what’s the bloody point other than pissing away more council tax money.

In fact most people won’t notice them as they are looking down trying no to trip on all the broken paving slabs.

I mean they can’t rely on passing twin rotor helicopters  to draw peoples attention to the signage all the time.

Or maybe that’s the plan, maybe Bexley council are going to put in a bid for one of the useless Chinooks and have it circling the borough during the day drawing attention to high signage.

Or maybe the signs are just for Airedales, geddit? No, oh please yourselves

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How The Memory Plays Tricks

 

In the comments to this weeks Poets Day post, referring to the utterly gorgeous Isabelle Adjani, DaveH  admitted that he had erased his copy of ‘One Deadly Summer’ 

I mentioned that, I believed it was still available on DVD.

Admittedly it has been some time since I watched said film, but I recall it being a very dark tale of revenge and murder, well acted, beautifully shot and taking full advantage of the great scenery and light of the French countryside in the summer.

However DaveH did some digging and it seems my recollection of the movie is not what it was if the review below is to be believed.

"2.0 out of 5 stars Sorry guys, but...
I can't see the point of this unless you are super keen to watch Adjani prancing around wearing nothing except a pout and high heels. Read more
Published 11 months ago by Four Violets"

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Daily Telegraph Subs Still Not Watching Animal Planet

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That's a Crayfish.

Admittedly just as tasty, but not a lobster.


Story here
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Park Anywhere Lights

 

When did a cars ‘Hazard Warning’ lights, you know that big red button that you push to make all your indicator lights flash at once to declare that your car may be a ‘Hazard’  i.e  disabled in someway so that it cannot be moved or moved safely, but the position may prove injurious to other traffic and could potentially cause an accident if other road users were not made aware.

Change to become.

I know I’m parked; on double yellow lines,  zig-zags, a blind corner, double parked, but I’m only popping in for a few minutes; to pick up my dry cleaning, buy some milk, use the cash point etc. and my errand is so much more important than your safety and rules are for other people aren’t they and if only they would create more parking spaces closer to the shops then I wouldn’t have to do this and it’s only for a couple of minutes and the; kids ,dog, mates, are in the car.

A case in point this was the scene that greeted me last night when I went to the Co-op (about which I have written about previously)

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Bear in mind this was 8.00pm so it was dark. 

So the fact is that the drivers of both vehicles were not bothered that they were parked on zig-zag lines, but also that cars approaching could not actually see if people were waiting at the crossing.

So is it the fact that we no longer have any ‘Traffic Police’ or actually any proper ‘Traffic Wardens’*  So people know by law of averages that they can get away with it?

or is it just part of the ‘Me, Me, Me’ malaise that seems to have affected the nation from the top down?

 

Declaration of Interest: I have been driving for 26 years, I have never had  a parking ticket, the one driving related ticket I have had was for entering a short bus lane on a junction that I had driven for years, that was introduced whilst I was overseas for 3 years, No excuse, I paid it. (The bus lane was revoked later due to the amount of complaints)

 

* Local Authority Parking Attendants are NOT Traffic Wardens as much as the MSM would like us to believe, a Traffic Wardens remit was to ‘Keep The Traffic Moving’  not to collect revenue, which is why in London they were part of the Met and had certain Police powers when it came to traffic.

Poets Day (20) Brunette Celeb Crush Edition

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies
.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,—
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

Lord Byron

It’s Not The M&S Advert That’s Really Offensive

Although it’s so far up its self it’s a wonder it can still be seen.
Or as The Daily Mash puts it

ADVERTISING watchdogs are to investigate clams that Marks and Spencer's Christmas advert is offensive to everyone.

Say what you like about Debenhams, but at least it doesn't think you're some kind of arsehole

It’s the Morrison's ones with Richard ‘The Handjob’ Hammond (Ed. Are you sure that’s right?) that are getting on my tits.

I’ve never really had a problem with Hammond, he and May are just personality Black Holes to suck off some of ‘The Clarkson’ persona and make him palatable for Sunday night viewing. As a late middle aged man driving fast cars and shouting “You’re All Cunts!” would not get the same viewing figures. (Ed. Are you sure that’s right?)

Just those ads with him tooling around with his trolley and his voice over of insufferable smugness “and I want that guaranteed”.

It makes me want to smash him in the face with a brick.

“Oi Hammond”

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10 Reasons Not To Love The English

 

Apparently there is some debate going on in the Belgian press about how we in Britain are always trying to derail the Whole Europe Experience. (and perhaps our sniggering at having a Belgian called Mr Rumpey-pumpey as President of Europe well that’s what Ian Hislop called him)

The Belgian newspaper La Capitale published a list of Dix raisons de ne pas aimer les Anglais

To be fair they also published a list of why they should love us as well.

My Belgian not being up to snuff as it were, I thought I’d let Babel-fish translate it for me.

No.8 is especially true and v.funny as well

10 Reasons Not To Love The English

Let us transfer the “Rosbifs” which flinguent the European chances of our political tenors! You like them, you, the English? These hinderers to make Europe in round? One could make as extremely as their tabloïds: ten good reasons not to like them!

Drafting on line

1. They are caught for the navel of the world.

2. Their language is universal. Therefore, they refuse to try to speak ours if they are lost on our premises (80% do not want to take a guide of conversation on holiday!)… but look you with condescension if you speak English badly.

3. They do not do anything like the others (to roll on the left, etc)

4. They makes the worst kitchen of the world…

5. They drink hot beer, to despair the least gifted of our brewers.

6. Truths addicted to drink! According to a study, the English consumed 8 alcoholic drinks per day during the holidays!

7. Their climate is rotted even more than ours.

8. Their tabloïds thinks only of the buttock and the scandals…

9. They wrongfully eliminated the Red Devils from the World cup 1990… One did not forget the goal, at the last second, of David Platt!

10. We did not forget either their hooligans, persons in charge of not died of 39 people, in Heysel, in 1985.

And yet, they are liked!

But rather than these meannesses, one prefers to retain all that one likes in England.

1. They flew to our help each time we were invaded.

2. They make the best music of world (Beatles, Rolling Stones, etc)

3. London, in Christmas: magic!

4. They (D) invented the foot and their competition is among most spectacular.

5. We have a very favorite for their Bobbies, bus and phone boxes.

6. Their monarchy imposes some, in spite of the scandals.

7. The landscapes of Highlands (Scotland) are of any beauty.

8. English gardens, a wonder.

9. Training courses of languages and with us the small English ones…!

10. Agatha Christie is the empress of the whodunnit and it made of a Belgian detective, Hercule Poirot, her hero!

Misleading Headline Of The Day

I’d heard of this sort of thing happening with dolphins and horses (and most famously pigs)

But pigeons?

I’m not a pigeon tosser, I’m the pigeon tossers son, I’m only tossing pigeons till the pigeon tosser comes.

Ooooer Mrs.

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Yep, I’m Officially ‘Old’ Now

 

I guess it comes to us all, but it’s a shock when it does.
It seems I am no longer ‘street’ or ‘down with the kids.’

From the NME’s Top Ten Albums of the Decade

1. The Strokes - Is This It

2. The Libertines - Up The Bracket

3. Primal Scream - XTRMNTR

4. Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever To Tell

6. PJ Harvey - Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea

7. Arcade Fire - Funeral

8. Interpol - Turn On The Bright Lights

9. The Streets - Original Pirate Material

10. Radiohead - In Rainbows

I possess only one (and it’s not even top five).

Time to exchange my hoodie for a sports jacket and my Converse Hi-Tops for a smart pair of brogues or maybe Desert Boots (far easier on the feet)

PS: I stopped wearing jeans some years back in fear of being called ‘Clarkson’ or ‘Lovejoy’, the shame would have been too much.

Does It Never End

The constant hectoring, the nannying, the bullying, the shouting.

Can we not just be left to get on with our lives as we see fit.

I had to purchase a new keyboard yesterday, as there was a spillage incident at the weekend (wash your minds out you filthy bastards) It was red wine I'll have you know.

It seemed to have dried out OK, but the bottom keys started sticking, but it was 6 years old anyway, so time for a replacement.

So I purchase said keyboard (one of the many advantages of a desk top over a laptop, £12.99 for a keyboard rather than £500+ for a new lap top)

I open the box and take out the plastic wrapped keyboard and what the first thing that greets me wrapped around the USB cable

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WTF it's a keyboard, what sort of health hazard could there be?

If I press the wrong keys will frikking lasers shoot into my eyes or spikes shoot into my palms if I try and access the Girls Aloud website again.

And what a warning it is, it nearly takes up the whole width of the base.

click for insanity

In Douglas Adams book ‘So Long’ And Thanks For All The Fish’. Arthur Dent goes to visit Wonko The Sane a man who declared that the world had gone insane when he read the instructions on ‘How To Use A Tooth-Pick’ on a packet of tooth-picks. He then builds a house inside out to keep the inmates comfortable.

I’m sort of feeling how Wonko must have felt right about now.

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A Red File For Callan

Edward Woodward 1930-2009

I used to love Callan growing up in the 70’s, it was probably a ‘bit too old’ for me by the mores of the day and yet now would be considered positively tame by today's standards.

But my Dad thought it was first class telly and let me watch it.

Very sad to hear of his passing.

Edward Woodward at The IMDb

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Members Of Parliament Or Grimsby Town FC? You Decide

 

From an anonymous commentators  posting

In it he describes his

"absolute astonishment and disbelief at the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent to carry out the job for which you are paid."

He continues:

"I am not aware of any swear words or other derogatory phrases in my current vocabulary which come close to a description of your performances – and I use the term loosely – but you have reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude neither I nor modern science had considered possible."

He described the team as "a total disgrace" and claims he had passed kidney stones that had brought him greater pleasure.

"I have given you the benefit of the doubt for too long now – but you pack of repugnant sputum-filled invertebrate -------- should go now and don't look back.

"You've consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth's scrotum so frankly you can ---- off now – don't pass go, don't collect your wages and don't ever come back to this town again."

He signs off with this cutting remark:

"I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-through in the near future."

It is indeed a rant about Grimsby Town FC and the disappointment  of a  supporter named Poojah.

But I’ve never seen a better summing up of my thoughts on the 646 shower of shits currently in the Palace of Westminster.

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Cheeses Of Nazareth

click for larger cheesiness

The Septics have given us many things through the years, some welcome, some not so much.

But sometimes I think they keep the best for themselves.

I’ve searched high and low in the UK for spray on cheese, but all  my searching has been in vain.

The only time I get it is when  American chums visit and give way to my pleading and bring over some tasty goodness from the Land of the Free. Which I then devour like some cheesy crack head

So, come on President Obama time to rebuild the special relationship.

“Yes We Cheese In A Can!” should be your rallying cry.

The world will thank you for it.

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I’ll Get you And Your Little Dog Too

 

I tend not to jump to conclusions, I like to look at all the evidence and then make an an informed judgement and I know all the evidence is not in in this case,

But it is hard not to rush to judgement in the current climate of petty fogging bureaucracy and tainted justice today. (ref also: previous post)

In 2008 a man named Paul Clarke  (26) of Wood Street, Merstham

Is found Not Guilty of assaulting a member of the Stasi / sorry DVLA  after finding him suspiciously checking out vehicles in his street.

Man accused of attacking DVLA inspector with broom walks free

FLASH FORWARD 2009

In 2009 a man named Paul Clarke (now 27) now of Nailsworth Crescent, Merstham, ( I guess he didn’t move far).

Is found Guilty of possession of a firearm he found in his back garden, that he subsequently handed into the police and faces 5 years in prison.

Ex-soldier faces jail for handing in gun

I don’t think it’s coincidence.

I don’t think he was ‘fitted up’. But once he was in the system. I’m sure TPTB decided he would be an example ‘pour encourage les autres’  and the full weight of Their Law would be applied.

I hope the change is coming, but my word, it won’t be pretty.

Note To Jurors & Potential Jurors

 

You do not have to find a person Guilty just because the Judge directs you to. Whether the person is bang to rights ‘according to the law’ or not.

This is your right, if you feel the law is being an ass, the prosecution is malicious and petty or just what a sane person would consider unfair.

It is not illegal, you can acquit, you can find Not Guilty

And you know what the Judge, the Prosecution and the Police can do about it?.

NOTHING

They cannot make you explain yourselves, they cannot send you to jail, they cannot fine you, they cannot ignore your verdict.

You are the final arbiter in the case that is before you.

They can do NOTHING

This is called a Perverse Verdict or Jury Nullification  it has a long and noble history.

It is mentioned in whispers, if at all around law courts because the powers that be hate it, They do not want you to know you have this right. The Judge will not even mention that you have this option.

Why do you think they want to do away with Jury trials and impose more and more ‘On The Spot Fines’  without recourse to the justice system.

Imagine if juries decided not to convict people for all the petty crimes they’ve invented
Imagine if people were found Not Guilty of ‘Not sorting their rubbish’ even though they didn’t, why “mere anarchy would be loosed on the world’

Except I don’t think it would, it might actually get a little saner.

I can only hope that the “Twelve Good Men / Women and True”  in this case can rest easy in their beds tonight knowing that justice was done, because I know I won’t.

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h/t Dick Puddlecoat for drawing my attention to this

Poets Day (19)

I climbed through woods in the hour-before-dawn dark.
Evil air, a frost-making stillness,

Not a leaf, not a bird-
A world cast in frost. I came out above the wood

Where my breath left tortuous statues in the iron light.
But the valleys were draining the darkness

Till the moorline – blackening dregs of the brightening grey –
Halved the sky ahead. And I saw the horses:

Huge in the dense grey –ten together –
Megalith-still. They breathed, making no move,

With draped manes and tilted hind-hooves,
Making no sound.

I passed: not one snorted or jerked its head.
Grey silent fragments
Of a grey still world.

I listened in emptiness on the moor-ridge.
The curlew’s tear turned its edge on the silence.

Slowly detail leafed from the darkness. Then the sun
Orange, red, red erupted

Silently, and splitting to its core tore and flung cloud,
Shook the gulf open, showed blue,

And the big planets hanging –
I turned

Stumbling in a fever of a dream, down towards
The dark woods, from the kindling tops,

And came the horses.
There, still they stood,
But now steaming, and glistening under the flow of light,

Their draped stone manes, their tilted hind-hooves
Stirring under a thaw while all around them

The frost showed its fires. But still they made no sound.
Not one snorted or stamped,

Their hung heads patient as the horizons,
High over valleys, in the red levelling rays –

In din of the crowded streets, going among the years, the faces,
May I still meet my memory in so lonely a place

Between the streams and the red clouds, hearing curlews,
Hearing the horizons endure.

The Horses – Ted Hughes

Meaty Awesomeness

click to enlarge

The Steakinator

Two 8oz Prime Angus steaks with braised short rib, cheddar cheese, bacon and a fried egg on a toasted cheese and garlic sourdough bun.

H/t This Is Why You're Fat
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From Crime Fighters To ‘Fat Fighters’

 

It seems porky plods are to be encouraged to go to weight watchers.

Met sends officers to 'fat clubs'

I’ve no problem with this as long as it doesn’t cost any extra money and in fact it looks like it actually saves money in the long run.

But being as I’m lacking imagination today, it does give me an excuse to type ‘porky plods’ and giggle.

and to post this.

Orchestra Stalls

 

I’m not going to comment on this story per se, as what people do to their own bodies is up to them. If they take that decision without being fully informed well ‘caveat emptor’ as they say.

New warning on 'perfect vaginas'

I do however take exception to this quote.

They also suggested that any pain apparently caused by protrusion may well have a psychological root - noting that male genitalia protrude far further without causing major discomfort.

Oh really, well you’ve obviously never been given a sharp whack in the nads.

Consultant gynaecologist Sarah Creighton and psychologist Lih-Mei Liao

Oh I guess not not then.

No, really men are constantly on guard for their two veg and would much prefer it if they could be tucked away, as even a slight ‘grazing’ can bring on vomit inducing pain.

So to coin a phrase “Try slipping whilst climbing over a five-bar gate in my trousers” before coming out with such guff.

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We Who Won the Peace

 

From the trackless wastes of desert,
ancient Greece and Italy,
From Europe and from far off Burma’s shores
There comes a long –drawn sigh, that swells into a cry
And ever swells into a mighty roar.
England’s dead converse with England
Voices rise up clear again.
England hear and reassure us
That we have not died in vain.
We gave the all we had to give
We turned away from loved-ones dear.
We fought in freedom’s name and conquered
All we ask is that you hear.

We shall not walk the Earth again
Or smile with laughter in our eyes.
We shall not taste the fruits of Victory.
Yet it was ours the hard one prize.
Yours then is the debt of Honour
To keep the Peace for which we died.
We who won the peace demand it.
With every ebbing of the tide.
Shut out War and all oppression
Form your world of peace again.
Nearer to the God you worship
The close-knit band of common men.

Rosack

Do You Feel Sorry For Women MP’s

 

I guess not then

Today's Poll in The London Evening Standard

 

Leg Iron has another excellent post about why this is possibly so “Nasty Man Took Our Sweets”

Massive Clock Up*

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One would think that the ability to actually tell time, or at least know the layout of a clock face would be a basic requirement for the repair of a time piece.

Not so for the workers at the company that repaired the Rotary Club clock in Manningtree, Essex after it was vandalised (see previous post, Why?)

Cue comments below the story about the state of education in modern Britain, a good few digs at New Labour (But none blaming Gordon personally yet)

A couple of them even blame the EU and one in particular The Poles.

Yet poor Ted from Herts. seems the most confused, and thinks it might be to do with those wily Orientals or even the Arabs?

*Apologies for punning, I have already suitably chastised myself with a nettle whipping

Why Would You Do That?

Morrissey stopped a concert halfway through the second song after he was hit by a missile thrown from a member of the crowd in Liverpool.

I hold no torch for Mozzer, although I will admit going through the angsty Smiths phase in the early 80’s and he and Johnny Marr knew how to write a good song.

I don’t know how much tickets for the ‘gig’ were, but Morrissey is still a popular entertainer so I should imagine they were not cheap.

So why?, having paid the money, possibly travelled some distance to attend the concert, why would you throw a bottle at him?

If you hate him ,why bother going? If you like him, it’s a strange way of showing affection.

Now to me, as well as being an act of violence, it is also Vandalism the perpetrator wants to ‘spoil’ things for everyone else. And that’s something I’ve never understood,

It is often said that people cannot properly understand horrible crimes or atrocities because it is so far outside their own frame of reference, mindset or morality that it does not actually make sense to them and therefore they have no equitable response.
We see this all too often in the sentences handed down by judges to violent thugs and murderers and the knee jerk reactions of the political class.

But I digress, vandalism, why?

Most often the vandal does not want to be discovered, he/she is well aware of the penalties for their offence.

Is it a thrill to them?, just to break something and ‘get away with it’. Does it give them some feeling of control over a life that seems powerless?
On the bus to work one morning I saw that the glass of every bus time table on every stop on the route had been smashed the previous night.,. Why?

Is it envy? I once saw a Porsche that had been ‘keyed’ from one wheel rim, across the bonnet to the other. Why?

Is it rage? I once saw fans tear up their own new stadium because they had been relegated from Division One. Why?

Does ‘spoiling’ something for others do ‘it’ for them, the ‘If I can’t have it no-one else will’ mentality.

But what can if they can ‘Have it’?

How then do you explain the destruction of public conveniences / toilets on trains*, what do they get out of that?
Recently a local town to me, opened a new public convenience, Police said three concerted deliberate ‘technical’ offences at vandalism had been attempted and foiled before it even opened (By ‘technical’ they explained someone had interfered with the electrical supply as opposed to general ‘breakage vandalism, these were pre-planned and well thought out attempts requiring equipment)

What about Youth facilities, destroyed by the very youth they are provided for and then complain ‘They have nowhere to go’

I have been both angry and drunk in my life and some times both together . But I have never wantonly destroyed anything in my life, I have never vandalised anything, I’ve never hit a complete stranger.

So can someone explain to me why some people feel the need to, because I just don’t understand it.

Or is it as the movie quote says “Some people just want to watch the world burn”

*This is a particular bugbear of mine,, when working in Town, I suffered from IBS (pre toilets on commuter trains, although they are often vandalised now) I remember having to beg staff to use their toilet as the station one was ‘Closed due to vandalism’.
If I had my way anybody caught breaking a public toilet would be sentenced to a week in a cell with a broken toilet and a dose of ‘Syrup of Figs’ every morning.

Lest We Forget

Sapper William ‘Bill’ Hills 1876-1917
My Great, Great Grandfather

 

“Go tell the Spartans,
Stranger passing by.
That here in accordance to their laws we lie.’

 

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years contemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

The £50 Note

 

Just popped up to the One-Stop to get some batteries for that thing that makes the little arrow move around on my computer screen.

The lady in front of me’s total came to £28 odd, she proffered payment with a £50 note.

My word you’d have thought the Martians had landed and Jebus had walked in and announced the End of Days

Bells were rung, managers were summoned, discussions were had, plans made, note inspected.

The note in question was then borne away by a manager to the back room, whence it was returned to the lady in the more appropriate and less faint inducing form of two twenties and a ten. 

Payment was then proffered and accepted, the Martians went back to their ship to throw darts at  a photo of Orson Wells and Jebus went over to the Pick n’Mix.

I’ve never understood the British publics and particularly the shopkeeps afearedness of The Nifty,

Yes, a way back there were spates of forgeries but I’ve not heard of one in years and even up to a few years ago it was a lot of money to have in one note and I suppose the risk of losing it in one go was perhaps a bit much.

But it’s not even as if the lady was trying to ‘break’ it by just buying a box of matches. Her bill was £28.00 FFS

But given that fact that nowadays £50 doesn’t really buy that much and certainly shops will process many times that amount in the course of a days business.

I really don’t understand the reaction.

Ninja Violin-Bow Makers?

Tails cut off horses at stables

Seven horses at stables in East Sussex have had their tails cut off.

Police are investigating the attacks, which could be linked to the sale of horse hair.

I have three theories the police might like to consider.

1. A rogue band of ninja violin-bow makers

2. Due to the recession a herd of ;

a) Chavettes
b) Z-list celebs
c) Footballers WAGS

Are roaming the countryside in search of cheap hair extensions.

3. Someone with a very strange fetish

Please, please let it be 1.

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Poets Day (18)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The Road Not Taken – Robert Frost

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Cookies!!!!!

Whilst yesterday Google celebrated for us in the UK the 20th anniversary of Wallace & Gromit.

For our American cousins it was the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street.

So today we have The Cookie Monster, ( and yesterday they had Big Bird)

I really like these

 

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Sheep Painting In Belfast*

I’ll say right out that I’m an agnostic leaning towards atheist (and sometimes vice versa).

I’ve never really understood the whole ‘My God’s better than your God’ thing and when it comes to ‘We believe in the same God but your worship of him is wrong and I will kill you to prove my point’ Well Monty Python had nothing on that.

So sectarian violence generally leaves me shaking my head.

And yet this really made me laugh, surely it’s better than bombs and bullets.

Does this make me a bad person?

Sheep targeted in graffiti attack

* A golf clap and an incline of the chapeau to the first who gets the album reference ( yes I know the incident wasn’t in Belfast, but it worked for this bit)

More Cheese Gromit?

 

Now that’s nice

Google celebrates 20 years of Wallace and Gromit

Inconvenience Stores Or The Further Denormalisation Of Smokers And Drinkers

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The nearest local Quick-E-Mart to me is a Co-operative Food, it’s not bad, a good range and some nice ready meals, prices a bit more expensive than the Supermarket, but that’s to be expected.

However it’s only 5 mins walk away and doesn’t need a car (So I’m reducing my carbon footprint, aren’t I the good little green warrior)

A few weeks ago they introduced ‘Under 25’ That if you look ‘Under 25’ when attempting to buy Fags or Booze you will be asked for ID.

Now my thoughts on this, is that as well as it’s stated purpose of reducing under age drinking, I believe an intended by-product is that those who are between 18-25 (or older) will not wish to be ‘Carded’ and so not buy alcohol or tobacco because it is one of the few ages in your life where you actually want to be thought of as older than you actually are, it is exactly as if they are calling you a child in public and how insulting is that.

So far, so standard to the progress of the new puritans.

Here’s where the further denormalisation comes in.

Two weeks ago (according to staff) a directive came from Head Office that ALL Alcohol and Tobacco sales to anyone, had to be approved by a specified staff member.

As this is only a smallish shop, this means only The Manager can sell or authorise the sale of Alcohol or Tobacco.

In practice, as managers do not like to work the check-out and would rather be off ‘managing things’. It works like this.

You rock up to the check out with your basket of sundries, the girl starts ringing them through an lo and behold she comes across a bottle of Chilean Cab Sav for £3.99 (on special , it’s quite nice if you hold your nose when drinking).

The bell is rung to summon The Manager

You wait

The people behind you wait.

The bell is rung again

You wait some more

The people behind you wait some more (they are beginning to ‘tut’ )

The Manager eventually arrives from whatever manager cubby hole he has been skulking in, emits a harassed sigh and gives you a filthy look as you have interrupted his 'managing of things'. (Have they had training in this, I wonder)

He inputs his 6 digit code

He fucks off again.

You complete your purchase and leave.

Yet just as you leave you hear the bell being rung again, some dirty bastard has asked for 20 Benson’s.

You can feel they level of frustration and hatred by those in the queue behind without alcohol or intent to purchase tobacco step up a little.

Now, it is not directed at the store policy or the stupid manager that doesn’t wait to see if anyone else wants booze or fags before fucking off.

It’s directed at you, by your selfish actions in wishing to purchase a perfectly legal product, you have delayed them.

You are no longer one of us, you are now one of ‘Them’

You have been denormalised.

 

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Why I Am Not Surprised

 

There is much wittering in the blogosphere and in the MSN about Mr Buttered New Potato Head going back on his ‘Cast Iron’ guarantee for a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty, I am however not surprised for a couple of reasons.

The first being, From what I can remember from my chemistry and history. Cast Iron is brittle, it has good compression strength, but as anyone who has ever taken down a Cast Iron Gutter or Down Pipe can tell you, a sharp blow with a hammer it will shatter into pieces. The EU is a very big hammer and Call Me Dave knows it.

I think he chose his words with care, if he had said a Wrought Iron guarantee or even Steel, I would definitely be disappointed.

Secondly he is a professional politician  one of the NWO of the Political Class, this is what they do, they lie, from the time they wake up, to the time they rest hanging upside down in belfries or crawl back under their rocks, they lie, just to get to the top of the greasy pole.

It has become so ingrained in them,that actually telling the truth has become an anathema. Then when the truth finally is exposed there’s always a ‘But yeah’ 

I would not trust a single one of them to tell me what day of the week it was without going to check on a calendar afterwards (and checking my wallet was still there).

 

Dave with pants on fire

Kawaii*

 

It seems the SAD has kicked in, which on top of my general low level depression is never a good thing.

No post yesterday and bereft of ideas today, the news is all so bleak. I will see if I can find my ‘get up and go’ which has ‘got up and gone’ tomorrow.

So as a counter point  please have some photos of unbearable cuteness (apologies to diabetics)

From Top to Bottom; A Red Panda, A Drop Bear, an Insurance Salesman

click pictures for larger

  

*Kawaii – Japanese for ‘cute’

None So Blind

P45

Harriet and the rest seem intent that when the Encyclopaedia entry for the truism

None so deaf as those that will not hear. None so blind as those that will not see.

Is updated, It is accompanied by a picture of the current crop of MP’s 

 "They can't simply say 'you've all got to be made redundant'," Ms Harman said.

Well, yes you can Hattie

It’s very easy, companies do it all the time to cut costs, increase profits, save having to cut a penny off the dividend.

There’s a big section on The HMRC website about it, go have a read.

It’s happened to me four times so far and I expect it to happen again. On one particular occasion, I was working 8000 miles from the UK and told not only was I redundant from my job in the Far East, but also from the company back in London and had 4 weeks to get my effects in order and leave the country I’d been living in for three years or they would not pay for my repatriation as per my contract which was now terminated. All decided by a bean counter in Frankfurt.

So you don’t seem bothered by all the other redundancies you caused, but as soon as it hits close to your kith and kin out you come squealing like a stuck pig.

I shed no tears for you and your ilk, you troughing fuck pig, your protective bubble has been burst and reality is just about to bitch slap you from here to Christmas.

I shouldn’t worry though if they are really worth £30-40K pa they should get a new job in no time.

And yet from Old Holborn I see that after a no doubt arduous selection process, involving many interviews and aptitude tests.

The fragrant Nadine Dorries has selected a new ‘secretary’ her daughter.

I truly second Old Holborn’s sentiment

“Will You Just Stop Shitting In Our Faces”