Part Man, Part Cat*

From the Fail Blog – They have the below listed as a nap FAIL.

As someone who has the ability to nap most places** (although actual full on sleep is a problem)

I think it’s a WIN

*Unlike cats, we can’t just lie across the bonnet for engine warmth (apparently, damn Police), So I admire his initiative in seeking out a Beetle.

** I was once asked to leave a night club after I was noticed catching 40 winks standing up against a wall. I was "Giving the impression that the club was boring’ according to the management. I tried to explain that give me 5 minutes shut eye and I would be raving with the best, but they weren’t buying it.

Former………… (An Occasional Series)

After my post on Thursday about the MSM use of the word ‘Former’ where they cherry pick some occupation or event in a persons life to imply / suggest something about the persons character whether or not it is relevant to the story being related.

So comes this classic example from The Daily Mail

On reading the article, I take it the journalist is not enamoured of Heather Mills so we have her variously being described as:

“The Former Lady McCartney”

“The Former escort girl”

“The Tyneside-born former underwear model” (Double sneer whammy there)

Relevance to the story of the last two, none

It’s lazy, snide and it’s ugly and I hate it.

(For the geeks the word ‘former’ is used 11 times in the article)

In case it disappears

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Happy Gorram Easter

Popped into ASDA on the way home for some scoff and a bottle or three of Vino Collapso

And there being fork lifted into place by the door were pallets of bloody Easter eggs

For the Atheists and other faiths. Easter Sunday this year falls on the 4th April.

That’s 64 Days or

9 weeks 1 day or

2 calendar months and 6 days away.

Bastards

I did also see some Christmas cards and assumed they were ‘Sale’ stock from last year, but now I’m not so sure.

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Poets Day (30)

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Ozymandias – Percy Bysshe Shelley

Hitler Learns About The iPad

 

Like most of you, I thought these had been done to death by now.

But I did laugh at this one ( and it uses a different clip as well which is a plus)

 

*If too small for your mince pies, double clicking the video
opens it in You Tube*

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Former What?

 

In reading this desperately sad tale. I couldn’t help but notice in all the accounts I’ve read in the MSM, the mother in question is always referred to at some point as ‘Former City Worker’

My first thought on these things is “What does that matter?”

They do it all the time ‘Former singer’ ‘Former footballer’ ‘Former this, former that’

Unless their previous occupation is germane to the story being told, who the f*ck cares?.

So ‘Former brutal dictator shows softer side’ would be OK, as would ‘Former choirboy goes bad’

Are they in this case implying that working in ‘The City’ turns one homicidal several years later? In that case I’m a time bomb waiting to go off.

It says something about the MSM that your job (or previous job/ jobs) still to them say who you are.

But it got me thinking, should I do something awesome in my remaining years or indeed do something very terrible.

How would the MSM describe me?

So I made a helpful list and they can take their pick, depending on how they wish to imply / portray me.

This is not exhaustive, but off the top of my head, I could variously be described as a;

Former Scholarship Boy
Former Public School Boy
Former College Drop Out
Former Building Labourer
Former Industrial Chemist
Former Bitter Drinker
Former Barman
Former Bar Manager
Former Site Forman
Former Commuter
Former City Worker
Former Money Broker
Former IT Contractor
Former IT Helpdesk Worker
Former IT Manager
Former Ex-Pat
Former Cat Owner
Former Relocation Consultant

What would you like to be described as ‘Former…….’ ?

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Misleading Headline Of The Day

I always knew Aussie soldiers were tough. But blimey……..

click 4 larger

Sadly for my overactive imagination it was not a giant, slouch hat wearing, VB dinking, sheep shagging, Galah.

But rather a more prosaic JCB

(Anyone not understanding as to how I came by my initial thought should click here)

Advance Australia Fair.

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Camera Good , Pointy Stick Bad

Considering last Saturdays gathering was in protest against the Stop & Search of photographers.

I have to say that on this occasion, I’m on the side of the PCSO’s

The captions are from what snippets of conversation I overheard whilst trying to be unobtrusive and a bit of conjecture. (If this is incorrect let me know and I’ll amend)

Click images for larger

“Excuse me Sir, can you explain why you are carrying a 4ft wooden pole with a pointy end towards a large gathering of people in Trafalgar Square?”

“Well, you see Officers, I was going to take this cuddly Japanese anime character…….”

“Shove the pole up it’s arse and wave it around”

“Yeah…..That’s not going to happen.”

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Fancy That

London Evening Standard 25th Jan 2010

16,000 Passports Lost On Nights Out

More than 16,000 passports a year are lost by youngsters using them as ID during a night on the town.

A Home Office study of 855 lost or stolen passport replacement requests found that 54 per cent belonged to people under 30 and, of these, the most common loss outside the home was on a night out.

[Ed. Note: Current cost to replace lost or stolen passport by post in 3+ weeks £77.50]

Oh Snap

London Evening Standard 25th Jan 2010

£30 ID Cards For Young Londoners

Young Londoners are to be the first in the capital to be issued with ID cards, the Home Office announced today.

People aged 18 to 24 will be able to spend £30 on a biometric photocard that can be used to prove their age when buying alcohol or age-restricted goods, to gain entry to a nightclub, or even to travel in Europe.

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A Good Crop Of Dogs This Year?

Or at least there should be, judging by the amount of fresh laid dog eggs in the park I crossed this morning.

Some dog owners really are dirty bastards.

Not Actual Image
For Decencies Sake

 

The Photos - I’m A Photographer, Not A Terrorist

So off to Trafalgar Square yesterday. I’m no good with judging crowds, but at the peak it I think it was somewhere between 1000-2000 people (told you I was no good)

It was a very jolly, well behaved event. But as my brother pointed out “People don’t tend to kick off with a grand's worth or more of camera round their neck”

Being a gathering of photographers most of the conversations were about kit, photo ops and settings, ‘What ISO are you using?’ etc.

But there was a fair amount of press coverage that I could see and rumour has it that Mr Pavlov’s Cat in his off line persona was quoted by a magazine

So a statement to the PTB was made, will anybody listen? I don’t know. But it was nice to meet new people and to be part of something again.

As an aside, it was probably one of the worst days for photography that wasn’t raining, no light , completely grey sky. Hopefully next time they’ll schedule it around the ‘Golden Hour’. in Summer or Autumn.

Because London really ’sings’ around then.

I’ve put together a photo gallery of a few shots here if you’d like to take a look there are three examples below.

(I’ve not edited any of them in the gallery apart from the ‘freedom warden’ which was cropped and zoomed , but I’ll go through and do some later as I’ve seen a few that with a bit of judicious cropping could be decent photo’s. I am not Cartier-Bresson)

For the Photog’s : Canon 20D, Canon EFS 17-85mm ISO 800, WB Cloudy, Camera flash used for fill-in on occasion.

Here’s three examples, the others as I mentioned can be found here

As always click the image for larger

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The Reverse Jonah or FML Again (Probably)*

Gordon Brown & Yvette Cooper Visit A Job Centre

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Work and Pensions Secretary Yvette Cooper (right) meet staff as they visit a Job Centre Plus January 20, 2010 in Marylebone, central London, England.

It’s already well established that everywhere that Gordon visits or praises falls to shit soon after resulting in huge job losses

So thanks to the Jonah magic I’m happy for all those that will soon be back in employment

We obviously won’t be needing all those Job Centre staff

So it doesn’t bode well for the extension of my contract past November.

Bastard. FML

*I have lost count of the number of ways that Blair & Brown have FML since 1997

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That There London – Tomorrow

(click for larger)

Just for something to do, I plan on taking my camera for a trip up to that there London tomorrow.

By a strange coincidence It seems some other people may be doing the same (if person he is, “who was that masked man”).

Also by a quirk of fate, the route I’ve planned out seems to bring me to Trafalgar Square at around noon.

The perhaps a few beers, a katsu curry and home.

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Poets Day (29)

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If I Could Tell You – W.H Auden

Anti-Terror Face Palm of the Day

 

Muslim Police Say Islam Not To Blame For Terror Attacks

The National Association of Muslim Police (NAMP) claimed that ministers were wrong to blame Islam for being the “driver” behind recent terrorist attacks.

Far-Right extremists were a more dangerous threat to national security, it said.

In Other News

Pope discovered not to be Catholic

Bears Do Not Defecate Arboreally

Judith Chalmers Does Not Possess Travel Documents

It Actually Wasn’t That Strong

In a coffe bar, somewhere in Sarf Lahdan this morning.

 

Mr Pavlov’s Cat: “Could I have a large Americano with milk please?”

Coffee Server: “You want anything eat?”

MPC: “No thank you, just the coffee.”

CS: “Eat In or Take Away?”

MPC: “ er, I’ll  have it here please.”

CS: “Sorry?”

MPC: “I’ll have the coffee here please.” (points at table)

CS: “Ah Eat In, two pound twenty five please”

 

I am a stranger in my own land these days

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Will Nobody Stop This Giant Cow Insanity?

Do these people not read Mark Wadsworth and others

Giant Cattle To Be Bred Back From Extinction

How giant is that then?

Italian scientists are hoping to use genetic expertise and selective breeding of modern-day wild cattle to recreate the fearsome beasts which weighed around 2,200lb and stood 6.5 feet at the shoulder.

That doesn’t seem too bad apart from the ‘fearsome’ bit. But that’s possibly an exaggeration for our risk adverse times.

I wonder what Julius Caesar had to say about them

"...those animals which are called uri. These are a little below the elephant in size, and of the appearance, colour, and shape of a bull. Their strength and speed are extraordinary; they spare neither man nor wild beast which they have espied. These the Germans take with much pains in pits and kill them. The young men harden themselves with this exercise, and practice themselves in this sort of hunting, and those who have slain the greatest number of them, having produced the horns in public, to serve as evidence, receive great praise. But not even when taken very young can they be rendered familiar to men and tamed.”

Did you get all that? if not let me ‘splain……..,  No, there is too much, let me sum up.

1. Slightly smaller than an elephant

2. Very strong and fast

3. Merciless killers of man and beast.

4. Unable to be domesticated.

5. Permanently grumpy

And Julius pretty much knew what he was talking about (Although his choice of friends was suspect)

So what does a modern day expert have to say. Step forward Dr Claire Barbour of the Rare Breeds Survival Trust.

"Even the wild cattle we have today are very hard to handle and an auroch would be even more difficult. Aurochs were significantly larger than any cattle in existence and they would be potentially dangerous.

"There would be some serious management issues – to look after their teeth and feet, for instance, you might have to sedate them with dart guns. “

I feel a trip to Italy coming on to beat a couple of scientists around the head and neck with a leather bound copy of ‘The Gallic Wars’ whilst screaming.

“Are you mad? are you fucking mad?”

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Old Jokes Home

This story from The BBC

World's 'most expensive' ham leg on sale in London

Reminded me of this joke

A man noticed a farmer walking with three-legged pig on a leash. It looked very odd. He said, "Farmer, why are you walking a three-legged pig?"

"Why, stranger, this is no ordinary pig," the farmer replied. "One night our barn caught on fire, and before my wife and I even woke up, the pig had called the fire brigade, and herded all the other animals out of the barn.

The next week, a burglar got into the house, and the pig had him tied up and the police were on their way before I even realized what had happened.

Then just last week, I fell into the duck pond and was like to drown, except this pig jumped in and pulled me out. Like I say, this is no ordinary pig."

"Well, that truly is a remarkable pig. But tell me, how did he come to have only three legs?"

"Are you kidding? A pig this good, you don't eat it all at once."

Yet Another Daily Mail Sub Fail

Unless everything I was taught in geography was wrong  or Brazil has made a secretive westward expansion without the rest of South America catching on.

Never mind moose/elk fails etc. this is just stunning in it’s ignorance.

I mean they even show them on a map in the main story here and the cretin still gets it wrong.

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Run Baby Run*

Or

Gangs Of No Appearance

Or

London Becoming Just Like 50’s New York

 

 

I have few problems with the Stock Photo  The Evening Standard has used to illustrate this story. Some pedantic, some possibly not.

1.
This is not a ‘Rambo-style’ knife,

By the tang and the shape of the blade it is quite obviously a switchblade which has been illegal in the UK since 1959.
It is normally only possessed by boys who bought one on a school trip to Calais.

2. 
Gangs stopped wearing leather blousons some time back

3.
Holding it that way in a knife fight will get you dead 

Not from personal experience, but from reading and speaking to people who have been trained in these things.
If you want further research, I have it on good authority that the knife fight between Steven Seagal and Tommy Lee Jones in ‘Under Siege’ is possibly the best example of a knife fight between trained professionals depicted on film. (Allowing for Hollywood licence)

4.
The hand is white.

Read the story and judge for yourself which is the greater fallacy.

 

*Doff of the hoodie and bonus interweb points for whoever gets the title reference

Poets Day (28)

The boy stood on the burning deck
Whence all but he had fled;
The flame that lit the battle's wreck
Shone round him o'er the dead.

Yet beautiful and bright he stood,
As born to rule the storm;
A creature of heroic blood,
A proud, though child-like form.

The flames rolled on–he would not go
Without his Father's word;
That father, faint in death below,
His voice no longer heard.

He called aloud–'say, Father, say
If yet my task is done?'
He knew not that the chieftain lay
Unconscious of his son.

'Speak, father!' once again he cried,
'If I may yet be gone!'
And but the booming shots replied,
And fast the flames rolled on.

Upon his brow he felt their breath,
And in his waving hair,
And looked from that lone post of death
In still yet brave despair.

And shouted but once more aloud,
'My father! must I stay?'
While o'er him fast, through sail and shroud,
The wreathing fires made way.

They wrapt the ship in splendour wild,
They caught the flag on high,
And streamed above the gallant child,
Like banners in the sky.

There came a burst of thunder sound–
The boy–oh! where was he?
Ask of the winds that far around
With fragments strewed the sea!–

With mast, and helm, and pennon fair,
That well had borne their part–
But the noblest thing which perished there
Was that young faithful heart.

Casabianca - Felicia Hemans (1793 - 1835)

Darwin Award Failure

 

It seems the cold weather has really brought out the pluck of the British public in attempting to remove themselves from the gene pool.

Hence we have stories of mothers leading their child out on icy ponds and rat boys deliberately jumping through the ice.

But these two Scottish daredevils surely deserve an honourable mention for coming so close in such an imaginative way.

Better luck next time lads.

A pair of 'stupid' thrill-seekers face court after allegedly driving along a frozen canal in a car.

Police branded the hapless driver and his passenger 'stupid' after they were spotted motoring along the frozen canal near Winchburgh on Monday afternoon.

The black Peugeot got about half a mile down the canal before the fragile ice gave way and the front of the car smashed into the water.

With no other signs of broken ice around the car, the driver and passenger - aged 22 and 24 - are thought to have dragged themselves to the bank before fleeing the scene.

click images for larger

 

H/t The Daily Mail for all your ice breaking tomfoolery

Is Anyone Surprised?

 

Apart from Norman Buwalda that is.

Canadian mauled to death by pet tiger

Norman Buwalda, a 66-year-old collector of wild animals who recently won a lengthy legal battle for the right to keep exotic pets, [Bwahahaha. Ed.] was found dead in the tiger's pen on Sunday afternoon at the property in western Ontario,

The story is not that it happened, but that it took so long to happen.

“Here, Kitty Kitty”

Juxtaposition Of The Day

 

From The BBC News site

Deliberate or Accidental?

Click for larger.

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Intermission With Pictures

 

I’ve just checked the supply situation, whilst I am OK for tabs and bread. The beer / wine level is worryingly low.

I don’t like to start drinking the from the top shelf too early, so am going to take a run to the shops.

In the meantime, enjoy this pictures from The Kegon Falls, Japan  (you’ll have to supply your own soothing background music)

As always click images for larger

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The Show’s Not Over Until …….

 

Oh! Apparently it is.

Singer quits opera after Zeffirelli calls her a 'fat lady'

Tis a pity it wasn’t Gotterdammerung*, but you can’t have everything for your lols

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*I was quite surprised at the modernity of this quote, I always thought it was older

Poets Day (27)

When Friendship or Love,
Our sympathies move,
When Truth in a glance should appear,
The lips may beguile,
With a dimple or smile,
But the test of affection's a tear.

Too oft is a smile,
But the hypocrite's wile,
To mask detestation, or fear,
Give me the soft sigh,
Whilst the soul telling eye
Is dimm'd, for a time, with a tear.

Mild charity's glow,
To us mortals below,
Shows the soul from barbarity clear,
Compassion will melt,
Where this virtue is felt,
And its dew is diffused in a tear.

The man doom'd to sail,
With the blast of the gale,
Through billows Atlantic to steer,
As he bends o'er the wave,
Which may soon be his grave,
The green sparkles bright with a tear.

The soldier braves death,
For a fanciful wreath,
In Glory's romantic career;
But he raises the foe,
When in battle laid low,
And bathes every wound with a tear.

When with high bounding pride,
He returns to his bride,
Renouncing the gore crimson'd spear;
All his toils are repaid,
When embracing the maid,
From her eyelid he kisses the tear.

Sweet scene of my youth,
Seat of Friendship and Truth,
Where Love chac'd each fast-fleeting year,
Loth to leave thee I mourn'd,
For a last look I turn'd,
But thy spire was scarce seen through a tear.

Though my vows I can pour,
To my Mary no more,
My Mary to love once so dear,
In the shade of her bower,
I remember the hour,
She rewarded those vows with a tear.

By another possest,
May she live ever blest,
Her name still my heart must revere,
With a sigh I resign,
What I once thought was mine,
And forgive her deceit with a tear.

Ye friends of my heart,
Ere from you I depart,
This hope to my breast is most near,
If again we shall meet,
In this rural retreat,
May we meet, as we part, with a tear.

When my soul wings her flight,
To the regions of night,
And my body shall sleep on its bier;
As ye pass by the tomb,
Where my ashes consume,
Oh! moisten their dust with a tear.

May no marble bestow,
The splendour of woe,
Which the children of Vanity rear,
No fiction of fame,
Shall blazon my name,
all I ask, all I wish, is a tear.

The Tear – Lord Byron

Call That A Snow Man………

For those of you taking a ‘Snow Day’ with the ankle biters and feeling proud of placing a not quite spherical lump of snow on top of a larger lump of not quite spherical snow.

Give me a call when you can do this*

Click on the pictures for larger

* and before you say ‘Oh anyone can do that given a couple of days’ these were part of a snow sculpture competition. Contestants were given a pile of snow at 14:30 Judging was next morning at 10:30

Pictures taken at the Sapporo Snow Festival a few years back (and these are only a few examples)

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Cow Co-operation Deeper, More Worrying Than Previously Thought

Biologists Show Cattle Instinctively Align Themselves North – South When Feeding

Some Czech and German scientists with far too much time on their hands have discovered that cattle and deer align themselves with the magnetic field of the earth when feeding.

And not just in the same field, but frikking GLOBALLY as they have found thanks to Google Earth images.

Now there is some theory that this is a hold over from when they used to migrate and a useful direction finding adaptation.

But what if they are using some sort of Cow ESP and using the lines of magnetic force to pass messages to orchestrate their Global campaign of resistance.

Just saying is all

The Naked Civil Servants

 

It seems according to The Daily Telegraph that Civil Servants at the DVLA are now to be banned from inviting callers to join them in embracing naturism and nudity.

clickity 4 largery

I always knew they were funny* in Wales.

 

*That’s ‘funny’ peculiar, not ‘funny’ ha-ha

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Is This Wrong?

 

I just realised I hadn’t taken today's Multi-Vitamin tablet and Cod Liver Oil capsule.*

So I took them.

But the thing is I took them with the glass of Australian Shiraz from the bottle that I’m currently drinking.

It made me feel slightly sleazy for a femtosecond ( Which is normally a feeling I enjoy)

I wondered if perhaps the ‘healthist’ agenda is actually finally getting through to me.

If that is the case, I resolve to step up both my drinking and smoking in the New Year.

Bastards

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*Alright, I’m 44 years old, I don’t have the perfect diet / exercise regime and things are beginning to creak. Especially as with the new job I’m up and down four flights of stairs countless times a day and I've been living in a bungalow for 18 months, the knees are knackered.

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Porn At Work

Porn shame of hundreds of police staff disciplined over internet use

Hundreds of police workers have faced disciplinary action for looking at internet pornography and social networking sites, figures show.

More than 400 officers and support staff have been sacked or given warnings after being caught looking at inappropriate material online.

Since the dawn of the interwebs in offices, there has always been the first commandment that preceded and in fact supersedes all others.

Thou Shall Not Look At Internet Porn In The Office

Forget all the stuff that came later, the blocks on Hotmail, Face book. Bans on websites like Stormfront and Jobserve*.

It was pretty much a given that you left the porn watching to home time.

Perhaps in the early days, with slow 56k dial up connections at home and a speedy ISDN line at work, there was always the temptation to see what you were missing.

But now long after the advent of net-nanny software, firewalls and where companies keep a record of every key stroke and site visited plus the availability of home broadband. You would think people would be a bit more sensible.

But no, as the story above shows.

It brings two questions to my mind, the first is “Why do it?” and secondly “If they can’t even follow one simple rule that involves self-preservation, how good are they at their actual job?”

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* I once worked in the IT Dept of a bank where morale was so low, the management discovered that staff were spending an inordinate amount of time on Jobserve and other related sites.
Rather than address the problem of people leaving and low morale, they decided the easiest thing to do would be to block access to all recruitment sites.
(Pretty self defeating as this was the IT Dept we’re talking about and ways were quickly found round the blocks via mirror sites etc.)

Poets Day (26) New Years Day Edition

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May the Good Lord hold you safe in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

An Irish Blessing

And from U2 before they crawled up their own arses. A Pavlov’s Cat early morning New Years Day tradition*

*Sorry couldn’t find an embeddable version of the original video

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