Cutting Out The Middle Man – The Police Way

 

It seems West Yorkshire Police have decided to do away with all that catching criminals malarkey.

They’ve set up their own protection racket.

Driver forced to pay £150 after police remove his car 'to stop it being stolen'

Marcus Morris was told that police they had taken his VW Polo because the open window - which he had accidentally left down - meant the vehicle was at risk of theft.

I’m not sure of the bit in the Police Act that give them the right to do this sort of thing. But there’s plenty in law elsewhere about what constitutes theft and demanding money with menace. (The menace being I presume he was told his car would be scrapped if he didn’t pay)

I wonder if Cleggeron is going to do something about the unelected ACPO and other Senior police officers who just seem to make the rules up as they go along.

Still it reminded me of this ( the bit I’m talking about starts at 1:35)

 

Thanks For Nothing Royal Mail

No idea what this is, Loch Ness Monster, Suburban Leopard, Chimera   or some other mythical beast?

 

I ordered a Gizmo or Doo-hickey, if you will, off t’interwebs on Monday.

Nothing ground breaking, but something that will  hopefully make my job a bit easier.

Particularly next Tuesday, when due to the amount of Half Term Heroes* and managers who give anyone time off who asks for it at any time, with no thought as to who is actually going to cover (Mainly because they are off themselves, so who gives a shit).

I am going to be running 5, hour long presentations back to back, add in Q&A time and I’m not going to even have time to fart.

So, I got an email Tuesday that it had been dispatched via 1st Class Royal Mail (for which I had paid £4.00 so that it would arrive by the weekend)

Have I got it?

Like fuck, have I.

Didn’t arrive Wednesday, ah well only I think 90% of 1st Class arrive the next day, just unlucky I guess.

Didn't arrive Thursday, oh well definitely Friday then.

Get back from the pub last night after a few post-work drinks.

“Any post for me Dad?”

“Nope, had no post all week now you come to mention it”

Bollocks, not even the obligatory card saying.

‘Whilst I know perfectly well you were in, I’m going to pretend you were not, as if you think I’m carrying your bloody packages around as well as letters. you are very much mistaken.

Come down and get it from the sorting office you lazy bastard, at a time that is inconvenient to you, and BTW our sorting office is ringed by Double Yellow Lines and Residents Only Bays, so you’ll have to walk, or risk a £60 fine, just to pick up the birthday card Aunt Elsie sent you that she got from the Card Factory for 20p hahaha “

“But, what about today?” I hear you ask, shivering with anticipation.

Bwahahahahaha, I’m sorry a little bit of wee came out.

Just let me compose myself.

A Postman?, round here?, on a Saturday?, 

What century  are you from?  or for that matter what planet?

If there was a Postman round here on a Saturday, someone would report them for acting suspiciously or noncing ,as they would not recognise them as such.

Saturday post is as real as one of JuliaM’s Big Cat sightings

So that’s my plan for giving myself a bit of an easier life, well and truly Donald Ducked until Wednesday at least.

Because, although I don’t leave for work until 8.00am there’s no chance of it arriving before then on Tuesday.

Do you remember those quaint old films where Dad would get to read the post and perhaps act on it, before leaving for work? happy days.

Come to think of it, I never see a Postie on my way in to work, you’d think the streets would be full of them, scurrying about at that time. (8:00-9:00am)

Strange, maybe they’ve been replaced with Borrowers.

So, c’est la vie, once again The Incontinent Toddlers of Fate have pissed in the paddling pool of my life.

Anyway I’ve been rambling on far too long, time for tea, fajitas tonight I think and get ready for Doctor Who.

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*Half Term Heroes – derogatory term for those who have existing contracts that mean they only work, when their kids are in school.

However these have never been reviewed, and nothing was put in the original contracts that they should be. I know of one case where the children in question are 21 and 23 and have left home,

Poets Day (47)

If you're up against a bruiser and you're getting knocked about --

Grin.

If you're feeling pretty groggy, and you're licked beyond a doubt --

Grin.

Don't let him see you're funking, let him know with every clout,Though your face is battered to a pulp, your blooming heart is stout;Just stand upon your pins until the beggar knocks you out --

And grin.

This life's a bally battle, and the same advice holds true

Of grin.

If you're up against it badly, then it's only one on you,

So grin.

If the future's black as thunder, don't let people see you're blue;Just cultivate a cast-iron smile of joy the whole day through;If they call you "Little Sunshine", wish that THEY'D no troubles, too --

You may -- grin.

Rise up in the morning with the will that, smooth or rough,

You'll grin.

Sink to sleep at midnight, and although you're feeling tough,

Yet grin.

There's nothing gained by whining, and you're not that kind of stuff;You're a fighter from away back, and you WON'T take a rebuff;Your trouble is that you don't know when you have had enough --

Don't give in.

If Fate should down you, just get up and take another cuff;You may bank on it that there is no philosophy like bluff,

And grin.

Grin – Robert Service

Allegory, Schmallergory

Those of you who may have been reading for some time will know I have a fondness for films about Vikings, Outlander and The 13th Warrior being two personal favourites (and no Captain Oveur, I don’t like movies about gladiators unless it is ‘Gladiator’)

So when I see an image like this on the ‘Just-Released’ DVD rack, I need to know more

Click for larger

How about the synopsis.

A man with a remarkable talent for violence must fight to survive when he sets out on a remarkable journey in this fantasy from director Nicolas Winding Refn. One-Eye (Mads Mikkelsen) is the nickname given to a nameless, mute warrior who has become a slave to Barde (Alexander Morton), a wealthy Scotsman who obtained One Eye for his remarkable fighting skills. One Eye is a fierce warrior but shows little loyalty to his master, and when the opportunity presents itself, One Eye murders Barde and his mercenaries and sets off on his own, with a young boy (Maarten Stevenson) tagging along to speak on his behalf. Eager to leave Denmark behind in favour of freedom and adventure, One Eye throws in his lot with a band of Christian Vikings, who've set out on an ambitious quest to travel to Jerusalem and claim the Holy Land as their own. But the voyage to the Holy City is a difficult one, and the Vikings are met with violent resistance, forcing One Eye to rely on his talents as a warrior to protect himself and his young apprentice.

Fucking Hellski, sign me up.

“Here shop-keep, have ten of the Queens pounds in exchange for a a copy of this movie encoded onto a Digital Versatile Disc. No. no, keep your one penny change, I must away.”

Now I’ll give any film a go, but Jebus talk about false advertising.

You’re expecting a blood soaked pitched battles, mead drinking Viking movie, what you get is a slow moving albeit beautifully shot movie about God knows what, is it about redemption, revenge, the futility of religious warfare, a comment on colonisation, are they already dead, is One Eye the Devil leading them to Hell or is he offering them salvation if only they can see it?

To be honest, fucked if I know.

I’ve watched it twice and am still none the wiser.

I won’t add anymore as that would start to get into ‘spoiler’ territory.

But one thing I do know, it bears no resemblance to the synopsis or the cover above.

For one thing there’s only about 20 in the entire cast, so where they got the DVD cover shot I don’t know (actually I do know it’s called Photoshop©) and only 6 or so speak (not including the main character, who is mute , or is he? )

This is not a ‘bad’ film, far from from it , as I mentioned it’s beautifully shot, good music, very evocative landscapes, passable acting particularly Mads Mikkelsen as ‘One Eye’ who channels a great Christopher Walken.

Which is a shame, as it’s going to piss a lot of Viking film fans off and generate some bad press which it doesn’t deserve.

I think the director should have some serious words with the distribution company. Because quite frankly this doesn’t do ‘What it says on the tin’.

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Dressed For Rio

Enjoyed the latest Doctor Who ‘The Hungry Earth’ last night

Matt Smith’s Doctor is fast becoming a personal Doctor favourite*
(Maybe too soon to say, but whisper it quietly ‘definitive’. The writing and the acting pitches it just right, he is alien and 907 years old, seen and done wonderful and tragic things and by far is always the smartest guy in the room)

But

Since when did being ‘dressed for Rio’ involve T-shirt, jumper, leather jacket with fur collar and cowboy boots. The hot pants, yes, but not with the tights.

And then to keep banging on about it “but I’m dressed for Rio”

No you’re not, you’re dressed for exactly where you are filming, some godforsaken shithole Welsh village in winter.

You don’t hear ‘Rory’ moaning and he obviously had the same itinerary as you, although his idea of ‘Dressed for Rio’ was jeans, vest, lumberjack shirt and body warmer
(A body warmer for FFS, can they make him anymore dorky, perhaps he can carry a LINUX manual around all the time and keep playing with 12 side dice at moments of stress)

And another thing

Yes we know, we get it Karen Gillan / Amy Pond has very long, quite shapely legs (Nay tits mind)

How about an episode where she wears a pair of combat trousers for a change, just saying is all.

Now this is dressed for Rio

* Of the 3 modern Doctors, Christopher Eccleston still edges it for me, David Tennant had his moments, but the new guy is fast catching him up.
However Tom Baker will always be ‘My Doctor’

Poets Day (46)

'Tis true my garments threadbare are,
And sorry poor I seem;
But inly I am richer far
Than any poet's dream.
For I've a hidden life no one
Can ever hope to see;
A sacred sanctuary none
May share with me.

Aloof I stand from out the strife,
Within my heart a song;
By virtue of my inner life
I to myself belong.
Against man-ruling I rebel,
Yet do not fear defeat,
For to my secret citadel
I may retreat.

Oh you who have an inner life
Beyond this dismal day
With wars and evil rumours rife,
Go blessedly your way.
Your refuge hold inviolate;
Unto yourself be true,
And shield serene from sordid fate
The Real You.

My Inner Life – Robert Service

I Dunno, What Do You Think?

I could be reading too much into this as is my wont.

But the moment I saw the latest fuckwittery foisted upon in the name of ‘The Olympics’ (At a cost they will not divulge)

Namely these abominations

I immediately thought of these two chaps, or is it just me?

Perhaps Matt Groenig should have a quiet word with some copyright lawyers, cases have been won on less.

Soldier – A Crap Précis

 

Please Note: This post will mean nothing to anyone who has not seen the film Soldier starring Kurt Russell and is not a pedant.

I use DigiGuide for planning my TV viewing, for only £8.00 a year it’s an invaluable tool for sorting the wheat from the chaff or in other words the Seagal from the Van Damme if you enjoy Five.

Normally their film précis are pretty good, yet sometimes you wonder if the author has even bothered to look the film up on IMDb  let alone seen it.

FILM: Soldier
On: ITV4 (24)   
Date: Tuesday 18th May 2010 (starting in 54 minutes)
Time: 21:50 to 23:50 (2 hours long)

Futuristic thriller in which a bionic fighter is banished to a planet where a new generation of super-warriors has been created. Surrounded by an endless wasteland, he must come to terms with the fact that he is no longer needed by the very people who made him.
(Stereo, Widescreen, Subtitles, Including Entertainment News Update, Audio Described, 1998, 18, 3 Star)

Director: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring: Kurt Russell, Jason Scott Lee, Jason Isaacs, Connie Nielsen, Sean Pertwee, Jared Thorne

Lets start

Futuristic thriller (Yep, set in the future, OK there) in which a bionic (Nope, no bionics involved) fighter ( trained from birth to be the perfect soldier, clue is in the title) is banished to a planet ( is dumped on a ‘trash’ planet after being believed killed) where a new generation of super-warriors has been created .(Sorry wrong again, created on Earth as replacements for the original ‘Soldiers’) Surrounded by an endless wasteland, he must come to terms with the fact that he is no longer needed by the very people who made him. (OK, give you that one, but there’s a bit more.)

Alright here’s my go

FILM: Soldier
On: ITV4 (24)   
Date: Tuesday 18th May 2010 (starting in 54 minutes)
Time: 21:50 to 23:50 (2 hours long)

Futuristic thriller in which a veteran soldier Sergeant Todd (Russell) trained from birth to be the perfect warrior is pitted in a test against a new breed of genetically engineered ‘Super-Soldier’. He is believed killed and dumped on a ‘trash’ planet. Surrounded by an endless wasteland, he must come to terms with the fact that he is no longer needed by the very people who made him. He soon interacts with a group of crash survivors who lead out a peaceful existence on the planet. The peace is soon broken as the new breed of soldiers lands to eliminate the colony, which Sergeant Todd must defend.

There, that’s better. I can enjoy the film now

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Blogging Lite

 

Blogging will be light or non existent for the next few days.

I’m starting my new role at work tomorrow, it’s not something I’ve ever done before so that’s going to occupy my mind for the next few days.

 

There is however plenty of excellent reading materiel to be found over on the right.of this page. 

 

Hmmm I Wonder What It Could Be

 

Dog owner pulls gun on motorist in Farrington Gurney

That’s quite serious.

Is there a description, should I happen to be out and about in Farrington Gurney?

Police have described the dog owner as white, between 40 and 50 years old, 6ft tall and slim.

He had short dark messy hair and was wearing a cream-brown coat and sunglasses.

Great, that’s pretty good for a Police description. (Obviously not a MONA then)

Anything else?

He was carrying an unknown small round luminous orange object.

He was with a dog, it couldn’t have been a fucking Dog Ball could it Sherlock?

Morons

Poets Day (45)

As I gird on for fighting
My sword upon my thigh,
I think on old ill fortunes
Of better men than I.

Think I, the round world over,
What golden lads are low
With hurts not mine to mourn for
And shames I shall not know.

What evil luck soever
For me remains in store,
'Tis sure much finer fellows
Have fared much worse before.

So here are things to think on
That ought to make me brave,
As I strap on for fighting
My sword that will not save.

II – from Final Poems AE Housman

No apologies for more Housman

…………………………Son Of A Bitch

Had migraine come on after training
in Bromley.

No idea what brought that on.

It’s been months since the last one.

So it’s Pink Migraleve and a dark room for me.

No use computing when you can
only see half the screen.

Most of the trip home looked like this.

Shiver Me Timbers

 

They don’t fuck about those Russians

Freed Somali pirates 'probably died'

Ten suspected Somali pirates captured by the Russian navy last week may have perished after their release, a defence source in Moscow has told reporters.

They were released in an inflatable boat without navigational equipment.

At least it’s a chance, beats a drop from the Yard-Arm or a trip to Execution Dock

I wonder why they did that though.

Russia initially said the 10 pirates would be taken to Moscow to face criminal charges over the hijacking, but they were released instead because there were not sufficient legal grounds to detain them, the defence ministry in Moscow said.

It couldn’t be that then they'd never get rid of them again.  The general tone is “Am I bovvered?”

I recall that from my O’ Level History, Britain used to take a similar hard line on piracy even to blowing the shit out of rogue states to get them to stop.

How times have changed.

Yacht couple rescue 'was bungled'

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Sarf Lahdan Humour

click for larger

Back from Longleat, no monkeys seen at all, herpes riddled or otherwise

Completely knackered, what should have been an easy 3-ish hour drive home, turned into a 5 hour plus nightmare due to God knows what between junctions 10-14 on the M25. So involved a detour round the South Circular.

Still a lovely time was had.

Have a good day

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New Band Name?

 

Co Worker:

“I see you’ve got Monday off, are you doing anything?”

Mr Pavlov’s Cat:

“Yes, I’m going to Longleat to see herpes riddled monkeys”

Co Worker:

“I can’t keep up with all these new groups these days, you’re better off talking to my son, he likes the new music”

 

Story here

An Ancient Chinese Curse* Says

“May You Live In Interesting Times”

Well good or bad, on last nights showing. the next few days / months /hopefully years are going to be interesting.

Is it a bad thing, like everyone in the MSM is saying, I don’t know. I tend to favour the it might actually be a good thing, if the right lessons are learned.

Anyway it’s the closest we’re going to get to a revolution for now.

but until then, maybe one day

 

*Note: it may not be as ancient or as Chinese as I was led to believe

Poets Day (44)

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favour fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Fire and Ice – Robert Frost

The Dream Police, They’re Coming To Arrest Me

Lack of sleep 'linked to early death'

Great googly moogly , is there anything that isn’t these days.

Getting less than six hours sleep a night can lead to an early grave, UK and Italian researchers have warned.

They said people regularly having such little sleep were 12% more likely to die over a 25-year period than those who got an "ideal" six to eight hours.

I think we are all pretty much aware of the need for a good nights sleep

But wait

Not too good a nights sleep though.

They also found an association between sleeping for more than nine hours and early death, although that much sleep may merely be a marker of ill health.

What else.

If the link between a lack of sleep and death is truly causal, it would equate to over 6.3 million attributable deaths in the UK in people over 16 years of age.

Oh noes, all those people , must be drain on the NHS

So get ready for the Dream Police, mandatory Temazepam at bed time for all.

But not too long though, it will bring a welcome return to the Knocker-Up.

Of course these will be Public Sector jobs, huzzah, more Righteous voters, while the country is drugged off it’s tits 8 hours a day.

 

It really just gets worse day by day.

 

Happy Star Wars Day!!!

May The Fourth be with you

‘’Punch it Chewie ‘’

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Have A Little Heart

 

This played on the radio as I was driving about this afternoon, made me grin like a loon.

Well I hadn’t heard it for ages and I thought you might need to be reminded of it as well.

Big hair, big shoulders, big guitars, gotta love those 80’s power ballads.

 

Note:for those that are into such things the song writer Billy Steinberg was also responsible for this one  amongst many others including ‘Like a Virgin’ but we’ll forgive him that considering his other work.

Disaster Recovery Ongoing

 

Hi, how are you?

Hope you’re having a pleasant Bank Holiday weekend (UK only) if a little soggy.

After my external HDD failed a while back. I’ve now finally retrieved the back-up hard drive from the DR site and am currently copying 20,000+ photo’s, documents, CV’s, music etc. onto the new external HDD.

It’s taking a while as it has to flow  DR External HDD –> PC –> New External HDD.

Not helped by the fact I had to turn off USB 2.0 functionality as it interfered with the internal wifi card.

So, I’ve been staying away from the PC and letting it do it’s thang.

I’ve therefore been watching stuff I’d PVR’d  but not got around to watching, I recommend ‘Wallender’  The Swedish version, BBC4 are showing the 2nd series at present (Although the Kenneth Branagh version is first rate as well)

Well that’s it, ‘Hell Boy’ is on now.

Later’s all , piss poor service to be resumed soon-ish.